Well, still no statement of bullshit in the mail yet from the insurance company. There was, however, another email from HEI. They got their hardcopy of the denial today and they confirmed the understanding I had from the phone conversation I mentioned previously. It was encouraging in that the HEI rep seemed to be convinced they made an obvious mistake that can easily be rectified. I'd imagine they see this enough to recognize what's going on. So now if I could just get my own copy so I can forward it to Advanced Bionics and get this show on the road.

Getting the CI has consumed me. It's become that last hope that I am holding on to, in more than one way. The rest of my life is either on hold, or fading away. My social life is limited, and expanding it is nearly impossible under the circumstances. Doing the things that I enjoy has been curbed as I can no longer go down to the club and see a band play or even crank my stereo up at home. Visiting family in the area is difficult when you have the communication barrier. Setting and executing any goals for the future is a bit unrealistic with so much uncertainty and needing to keep things stable to ensure the main goal is achieved.

My hearing isn't the only thing I've lost this year. My live-in love relationship has also broken down and seems to be slipping through my fingers. It already happened before the hearing loss did, so it is not a result of that, though it definately has made communications more frustrating. We began to clash..the frequency of arguing increased.....we were both frustrated feeling we we're not getting what we needed from each other. So we broke up, but continued to live together.

My hearing did impact a personal form of communication we had with each other. Sessions......the name we had for the shared narrative in the form of music. We would pour a glass of wine, settle in..then each take turns playing a song. The songs had to flow, so it couldn't be just random. Both audio and video was used. We started this back in late 2003 and continued thorough 2004 on a regular basis. They continued even into this year up until I could no longer listen to music.

The songs would often be used to communicate to each other. Often the one song would be played and the following would directly answer the first song. Sometimes they just told a story that had nothing to do with us. You get some interesting combinations when you try to get Neo-Soul and Hard Rock to merge. But they did. We'd find that common ground.

My hearing loss took that away. I do think it has impact on how things played out. Sometimes words can only hit harshly and serves only to push the widening gap further. When you want to communicate your emotions, and you do that via a shared passion for an art form that becomes part of our very souls, it is bonding. Shut up and dance......let the music do the talking.

Now my live-in love is looking at moving out. I don't really allow that reality to settle in. It's too terrifying and heart breaking. To have those goals and dreams we made just go up in smoke at this point leaves me lost. It will also plunge me further into isolation.

So yeah, it's all about the CI. It's what keeps me going. The CI not happening is simply not an option. It's my only hope for reconnecting to the world. I've been to the Deaf world......it is not my world. I am a hearing man afflicted with deafness. Hearing is part of my very identity and I will fight for it.


Are you out there?
Can you hear me?
Do you know my whereabouts?
Do you know what I'm about?
Through the static, you're so close so far away.
Are you listening?
I'm desperate.
Sending out an S.O.S.
'Cause I'm lost I must confess
Throw a lifeline
I'm down here drowning in the deepest part of me
Satellite - Bon Jovi