Hook Me Up

2007-01-12T05:01:00.000-08:00

Well, this past Monday I went in to HEI to pick up my very own Harmony just a month after having to leave behind the trial model at AB along with F120.

Maybe it's the wider pulsewidth Aniket programmed for me before I left that last day. Maybe it's the fact all 16 of my electrodes are back on now after electrode 1 had been turned off since last summer in response to the unusual impedence I was experiencing on that electrode, giving me 7 additional channels over what I had in the trial. Maybe I'm picking up right where I left off with F120 a month ago without having to start over. When it comes to the reduced speech discrimination I was experiencing with F120 during the month long trial, it's not manifesting.

On Monday, my Harmony was loaded up with F120 on Full BTE Mic on Slot 1, Hi Res P with the 1st electrode turned off as before on Slot 2 for me to fall back on if needed, and Aux Only (Direct Connect or T Mic Ear Hook only) input with F120 with the AGC turned off on Slot 3. My PSP was also loaded up similarly.

Before leaving I was tested in booth using both Hi Res P and F120. I don't really remember what my single word score was other than it had improved over last time around because I was paying more attention to the fact my dismal 17 percent HINT Sentence score from my last visit to HEI shot up to 57 percent this week while using F120. Dawna, my dear audie, was floored herself. The thing is, it was still "settling in" while I was in that booth so I can only imagine what it's going to be at my next visit in May.

Talk radio is really starting to get easy to listen to. Keep in mind, my listening to KFI AM 640 takes place in my car which is ridiculously noisy due to the fact the car is basically falling apart. Then there is the fact my antenna is broken so reception is hard to come by...it comes thru best crackling on the Freeway and it goes away every time I go under an overpass. I've mentioned these details before. What's different is I'm no longer just understanding groups of words here and there or phone numbers...I'm pretty much locked in to what I would guess to be about 95 percent of what comes over the airwaves. It's been almost amusing to me as I listen to the commercials and news bits come through.....it takes me back to being 5 or 6 years old riding in the car with my Mom and brother to school in the morning while listening to "Chicken Man" (a parody of Batman) on the radio. I've mostly avoided the radio since those days. It was Wednesday that I realized the jump in speech discrimination while listening to the radio as I wound up listening to the entire Presidential speech while driving to work. I'm now making a point of just listening to the radio on my drives to and from work rather than music just for the fact it's really opening up those listening pathways.

Music takes over once I get to the office and my experience with it through F120 has been just as exhilarating. For 8 hours, Music is piped directly to my brain from my Creative Zen MP3 Player. The first few days I heard the familiar "roughness" at times that I've experienced with all of my previous strategies, but each day over this past week has also shown a smoothening of that roughness. I did have a great moment when I realized that the Everly Brother's "Cathy's Clown" sounds exactly like it does with normal hearing! There is an instrument part following the lyric "I die each time.." and "I hear this sound.." which I believe is a brass instrument that was absent with Hi Res and I couldn't really hear it all of these years with my hearing aid either. I remembered it and knew it should be there..25 years later there it is with F120. This was one of the songs embedded in my head that I had planned to use to test the CI for accuracy and it passed.

I don't think I'll be needing that HI Res P back-up on Slot 2.

I die each time
I hear this sound
here he comes
that's Cathy's Clown
Cathy's Clown - The Everly Brothers

2006-12-13T05:03:00.000-08:00

The timing of my being fit with the Harmony and F120 was practically prophetic. That coming weekend marked my return to one of my favorite past-times, live music. Flanked by two friends, I returned to one of my favorite rock clubs in the Valley to see a tribute to Pink Floyd, Which One’s Pink. This was to serve as a warm-up for my first concert coming up the following Tuesday, Paul Stanley at the House of Blues, to which I had purchased a ticket for a month prior. The House of Blues, as some may remember, was where I was jolted into the reality of losing my hearing in the summer of 2005. My hearing in my “good” ear had blown out during the first song of Whitesnake’s set. I hadn’t been to any live shows since out of fear of repeating that experience. With the implant, loud music seemed to distort or overpower the processor. Music was actually clearer at conservative volumes. So I was not in a rush to find out how it handled live concerts, fearing it would be a mess of hazy drowned out noise.

In the week leading up to the warm-up gig, I began to get acclimated to my new hardware and software. I fell in love with the Harmony from day one. The first night I was home from AB, it was an unseasonably hot day in Southern California. While at home that night, I found myself walking around shirtless with total freedom to turn my head without fear of the headpiece being ripped off for the first time in months! If I had tried this before, the friction from the wire rubbing on my bare back would have limited mobility.

Having worn a hearing aid for so many years, I felt far more confident with something sitting on my ear in the same manner than I did with a headpiece. The Harmony headpiece (the same as with Auria) is smaller and sleeker than the PSP’s as well as only a short wire connected to the Processor. To those looking at it, they would either see a hearing aid or bluetooth device, allowing me to either deal with a familiar attention-getter or simply blend in. Actually the fact that it’s black (well, technically it’s “dark sienna” but I prefer to just call it black) goes a long way in adding to the cool factor.

The T-Mic was one feature I had really been looking forward to trying since I had done my initial research prior to implantation. Unfortunately, I quickly found out that it would not work with my Sidekick II cell phone because it picks up the electronic pulses it emits. I could listen through it, but it wasn’t fun to do. I had already not bothered with asking the Tele-coil be activated on the processor since I knew the Sidekick wouldn’t work with that either already from trying it with my hearing aid tele-coil prior to getting the CI. That left me with either taking the hands-free ear bud as I had been with the PSP and placing it in my ear so the T Mic could pick it up, or holding the phone to the BTE-Mic placed at the top of my ear.

Listening through F120 that first week was an adjustment. As with all strategies, my brain had to adapt to it before it would begin to maximize it’s potential. My speech discrimination ability took a noticeable couple of steps back, which I found quite frustrating. This is normal when starting a new strategy be it CIS, SAS, MPS, or Hi Res. You start over each time. What was different with F120 from starting a new strategy for me was that it was more readily natural and pleasant sounding. There were no cars whizzing by sounding like mosquitos, they sounded exactly like they should. There was less of that graininess of sound one gets when a strategy is settling in. Yet, I could tell that I was only beginning to learn to process the stimulation. This wasn’t going to be “instant-on.” I had a learning curve to overcome.

Music did change. The first thing I noticed was those guitar solos seemed to have much brighter “color” to them on top of the fact that they just jumped out more than with previous strategies. The second thing I noticed was the relatively rich bass of my Hi Res P program I had waiting for me on Slot 3 that my F120 program was built up on was not too present. So I didn’t feel anchored to a bottom end. I hadn’t forgotten that I felt this way about Hi Res P in comparison with MPS when I had started out with those…so I knew that was an aspect that had to settle in yet. Not only that, but it was only a couple of days into using F120 that I tried switching back to Hi Res P for a couple of moments and found it sounded muddy, sending me right back to F120.

It was at Paladino’s that weekend in the San Fernando Valley that I had my first highlight moments with F120. Actually, it was on the way there. It turns out my processor quite likes my roommates stereo in his truck. The sound of the music was vibrant and alive. The various layers were cutting through rather than sounding muted and muddy as it does in my own car. Apparently I have crappy speakers.

When we got to the valley to pick up our other friend, we switched cars and I found myself in the front passenger seat while we drove to go eat dinner. As we conversed while driving, I listened to my roommate sitting the backseat without turning around to look at him. Normally I’d just tune myself out of a three-way conversation in a car since it was too much work, but I just sat there and chatted away nearly effortlessly.

When we got to the club, the Journey tribute-band “Lights” was playing. As with my roommates truck stereo system, I found that even with the in your face volume of the live band did not degrade going through my processor. I’ve never been a Journey fan and I am not familiar with their material, but I found myself liking the band anyway. It was also the first time I understood the between song banter out of all of the live shows I’ve been to over the years. At one point I started looking up their website when the singer announced the URL to us.

The Pink Floyd tribute band was my first chance to listen to a live band with music that I actually know. The results were very satisfying. I found myself hearing pretty much every note of the guitars cutting cleanly through. With my hearing aid, they would have been muted and indistinct. Before I left the club that night, I knew that live music was back in my life for certain for the first time since I had gotten the implant.

The Paul Stanley concert at the House of Blues the following Tuesday maintained those satisfying results. At the club in the valley, I was close enough to where I could read lips and therefore question my real ability to understand speech in that environment. At the House of Blues it is a much larger venue and I was not close enough to be speech reading. Yet, I understood nearly every word of Paul’s between song banter. The details of the musical performance were very accessible to me. There were songs I didn’t know that well that I wound up getting into as a result of the performances. It had been a year and a half since it was practically thrown in my face that those pleasures were being taken away from me at that very same venue, so the realization that I was there again and I had succeeded in getting that back get me emotional while surrounded by throngs of KISS fans.

The following weekend I went to see the play “Grease” with my neighbors. It was only when we arrived at the Long Beach Performing Arts Center that we realized we had purchased tickets to a High School play, which closer inspection of our tickets that we bought through Ticket Maser revealed. We forced ourselves to go in anyway and give it a chance. We live here so we might as well support our community. Unfortunately, I did not get quite the same positive results at the play as I did the concerts. I barely understood most of the dialogue. However, the performances of the songs, which convinced us to stay, were another story. Some of these kids were good, real good. One of the highlights turned out to be “Freddy My Love,” a song not performed on the movie that is on the album sound track done by Cindy Bullens. In this play, the character of Marty, one of the Pink Ladies, performs it. She actually did a better job than Cindy Bullens and I found myself thinking she was lip-syncing, which she wasn’t. I never even really cared for that particular song, but you couldn’t deny her delivery. The other highlight was Rizzo’s “There Are Worse Things I Could Do,” which had us bordering on tears. The singers carried these performances and I was able to appreciate every detail of it through F120.

Speaking of “Grease,” the original movie soundtrack album was used to gauge F120’s ability to faithfully recreate the original sound. It was that album that I had spent countless hours blasting straight to my ear prior to losing it as a child, so the details are embedded into memory. Collectively, the songs provided a healthy range of instruments with plenty of brass interlaced between the guitars and drums. Only seconds into the opening title track, “Grease” I noticed a subtle sweep of the keyboard keys had become quite prominent and natural sounding compared to Hi Res. Franki Valli’s voice sounded just as I remembered it sounding when it was making the rounds in heavy rotation on the radio back when it was new, not quite being sure whether it was a man or a woman at the time (I thought it was an old woman.) The brass solos in Greased Lightening and Born to Hand Jive were much more natural as well as standing out in the mix. The strings in “Love Is A Many Splendored Thing” were lush and smooth.

Over the month, the real hurdle was getting speech discrimination to where I need it to be. This brings me to stressing a very important point on the eve of roll-out of the Harmony and F120. Those who have gone before me have stressed this point, too and it is an important one for all to remember who go into this strategy. Learning Curve. F120 is an advanced strategy that delivers a lot of detailed information to the hearing nerve as well as an amped up IDR of 96 db. These differences are very evident from the get-go, but deriving the full benefit takes time. It was not until the last week that speech discrimination began to approach their previous best levels that I have experienced since implantation and even then needed more time. Settle in and go the distance. If you go in to get mapped with F120 expecting to be wowed before you even leave the office, you’ll be setting yourself up for disappointment. The strategy needs to be used consistently and persistently before the full benefits are realized.

One indicator of improvement in speech that last week of using F120 was while listening to KFI AM 640 talk radio while driving to and from work. In this environment, I am hearing through the road and car noise to poor radio perception due to a broken antenna. On one particular night, there were several speakers at once going back and forth. I found myself understanding them almost fluidly as opposed to being thrown every time they switched speakers.

When I went back in to AB last week to turn in the Harmony and go back to my PSP, I missed the sound quality of F120 immediately. It was a case of don’t know what you got until it’s gone. Hi Res P sounded dead and hollow by comparison. On the bright side, I have since found out I will only need to go one more month without my Harmony and F120 as it will be waiting for me when I next go into see my own audiologist at HEI just after the holidays. It’s the perfect way to start off 2007.

They say it's over
But I have just begun to fight
It may look hopeless
But that's the moment from what's right
Someday, someway, somewhere
I'm gonna take you there
Where angels dare to fly
Some people wait forever
Some people just run out of time
Some people live in darkness
And give up just before the light
You (you), me (me)
No we won't back down
Let all the others wait
I want someday, someway, right now
Where Angels Dare - Paul Stanley

2006-12-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

It was just over 3 weeks ago on a Monday morning that I found myself
sitting in the R & D department of Advanced Bionics in Sylmar. I'd be
lying if I said I wasn't excited. Participating in Clinical Trials
that have anything to do with bettering hearing in any manner had long
been something I had dreamed of doing since I was a 7 year old kid
willing to do whatever it took to get better again and help the rest
of the world in the process.

Of course, the fact that I was about to be unleashed from the wire
that had been running down from my headpiece above my ear and clipped
in the middle of my neck to my shirt running down my back to a box
perched on my waist by being fit with the new as-yet unreleased
Harmony BTE Processor was enough to sustain the side of me that
couldn't care less about saving the world. Slather on the being
mapped with Fidelity 120 on the new processor as dessert and it was
"Let's ride!!!"

I have to shake my head when I think of the R & D team at AB. I'd
heard the stories before…I guess I just had to experience it for
myself. I am certainly proud to know these are the people behind the
implant in my head. They play a vital part of the process that leads
the technology to us. They are passionate people and it shines both
in the job they perform as well as their personalities.

The bulk of the two consecutive days I spent at AB were with Aniket
Saoji. Aniket is one of the most pleasant people I've ever met in my
life. He takes pride in causing people to heap praise on him for his
mapping skills. I'd heard of his work before in others and here I was
experiencing it.

Aniket started the first day off by fitting me with the Harmony in
Silver outfitted with a T-Mic. He transferred my existing Hi Res P
from my PSP to the Harmony and had me try it out. For some reason,
despite the fact that it was the same program I had been using all
along on my PSP, I was hearing everything as if it were heard through
the blades of a fan. No one else had ever reported this happening
before so apparently I was breaking new ground. Aniket didn't waste
any time calling in troops to solve the problem. Aniket took my Hi
Res P map and used it to build my F120 Strategy on the other slot.
When he had me switch over to F120, the chopped sound effect
disappeared and I was hearing with 120 Channels for the first time.

Hearing with 120 Channels was as if new areas of the auditory cloud
cover had opened up in a haze and the overall light was brighter in a
blinding sense. I found it more difficult to understand speech, being
that my sense of hearing was being fed new information in new locales
within my cochlea. Just as it was when I was initially mapped with Hi
Res P, I had to settle in to it.

Then the work began and again, I would be breaking new ground. I was
the first to participate in a new trial that involved hooking me up to
a Computer running software that would actually switch between
strategies on the fly while I would just listen as they switched on
me. There were a number of kinks that had yet to be worked out that I
was able to bring their attention to.
Lunch took place in the conference room with the rest of the R & D
Staff. At this point, I was using F120, mostly as a way to let it
start settling in. It wasn't as easy to discriminate speech, I also
noticed that I was hearing more..and it's all coming in at once.
However, I managed to have quite an enjoyable conversation with
everyone sitting at the table without exerting too much effort.

Just before leaving the first day, Aniket had tweaked a strategy that
I found immediately pleasing. It had the richer bass of MPS yet the
sharp treble and detail of Hi Res. Having just come off a few weeks
of a turning-stale Hi Res map prior to walking into AB, I was never
more thrilled in my life over a strategy right out of the starting
gate. I immediately made some calls upon leaving the office with my
cell to test it out. After speaking with several different people,
while driving in my car, I had the CD Player going the whole 50 minute
or so trip back home. It seemed logical that I was hearing with F120,
also taking into account that with Hi Res through the Harmony, I was
getting the fan effect. That program was on the other slot and I
wasn't about to go near it.

The next day Aniket revealed what the strategy I was enjoying was…Hi
Res P. He had tweaked my strategy to not only get rid of the
chopped-sound effect, but also made it far more pleasing. I most
certainly did be sure to dole out compliments to him on having done so
well with creating that program.

By the end of the 2nd day, the Harmony was programmed with F120 on
full T-mic on slot 1, F120 with full BTE Mic on Slot 2, and the
aforementioned Hi Res P on full T-mic on Slot 3. I also managed to
get Aniket to switch the Silver Harmony for a Dark Sienna, the color
my own Harmony will be when I receive it. So with that, I left AB to
begin my first foray into using the Harmony BTE and 120 Channels out
in the real world.

Looking for a thrill
You'll get it my way
Let's hit the highway
and I'll take you down
Shoot out in the night
Lookin for action
the main attraction
is back in town
Under The Gun - KISS

2006-10-09T04:01:00.000-07:00

I decided it was high time I sat down and fed into this. Changes in my personal life put my focus on the CI off, while things still unfolded related to that. My heart just wasn't in it to talk about it. Yet, I had my 3rd month post-activation mapping happen as well as the passing of my blog's 1 year anniversary. I had originally planned to post on the day of the anniversary..but just couldn't find the fuel to do so. What I wanted to write was not appropriate for this journal focusing on my CI and how my life is impacted by it. As a result, it died around here for a while while I channeled my energy towards getting through another trial.

The anniversary of my blog was definitely worth pausing to look back on things. In August of 2005, I was quite uncertain of what lay ahead. I was determined to make it happen, but I was afraid that I'd be thrust into a world of alien sound. There were people talking about it sounding like natural hearing, but then there were people who were talking about how mechanical it sounds. Nevermind those complaints about how horrible music sounded. The one theme was that they all seemed to have improved speech discrimination abilities. With my hearing slippping, priorities took over. I was already getting a taste of what it's like to be cut off from the world on that level...having it get worse wasn't an option.

If anyone told me at that time, when I had just picked out the device to be implanted in my ear at the evaluation testing, that I would be where I am at now...I'd have laughed and dismissed them. I had no idea that the phone would be back in my life. Not just part-time either. Those phone minutes on my cell are actually getting used. The relay service has become a museum piece. On the Friday just prior to the weekend of my blog's anniversary on August 21st, I called up the clinic to pay my medical bill using my bank card. She had a spanish accent and I had to correct her on the card number when she repeated it back wrong. It took 2 minutes to do a task by just picking up the phone and calling versus the 10 minutes to call through a relay service and get through the transaction. This was the first cold call I had ever made to someone I've never talked to before in my life. A week later at the mapping, in-booth testing would find my sentence discrimination scores at 80% up from 50% at the previous mapping at the one-month post activation point. The kind of thing I barely allowed myself to dream of a year prior turned reality 3 months into post-activation.

Since then, I have also dealt with my auto-mechanic with their customary call-back after you take the car in and they tell you what's wrong with it and how much. This is something that is rather hellish to do through the relay service since the people in those places tend to hang up before the relay operator can get past "California Relay Service with a call.." Then if you do manage to get them stay on the line to be able to communicate to them, they are generally annoyed and you spend the first minute or two just trying to get them to work with you and get to the real stuff. Apparently those days are behind me now, too. I've found myself in various situations that required I speak with people I've never spoken to before on the phone. For the most part, it goes well. There are people that are difficult to understand without repeats...but there are also those that require very little repeating. That is what encourages me to just keep diving in to the deep end.

Music......there are times I break into fits of laughter while listening to it because I'm in awe of the detail I'm hearing. My fears concerning the possible loss of music as a source of enjoyment post-implant were dismissed early on. Not only can I enjoy the tones of music, but understanding what is being sung without a lyric sheet is creeping in. Then there is the fact that as a fan of listening to live recordings...I'm actually able to enjoy the between-song banter as the performer speaks to the audience. It was always something to skip over.

The 3rd month mapping brought about some changes. I came to the full realization that mappings generally mean that whatever progress I have made with the sound quality improvement will be set back temporarily again. I've read it mentioned by others, but you really do pretty much start over with each mapping since you must readjust each time, but each time it is being tightened up..fine tuned. My comfort levels were increased, while my thresholds stayed the same. MPS, which had been settling in nicely with music, lost it's pleasing sound after the mapping. Hi Res was again proving to be the choice for clearer speech, but neither were really giving me music the way it was just prior to the mapping. Both were resembling how they sounded in the initial weeks post-activation. So that put me off being excited about mappings...for two weeks.

Two weeks later, music started smoothing out..on Hi Res. It wasn't perfect and I had to keep a conservative volume, but it was getting there. It improved as each day passed. I would only switch to MPS briefly, but not be satisfied with how it was processing. Where last time around, I started out with Hi Res, which declined in quality when my volume needs increased and I wound up switching to MPS full time by the time of the 3rd mapping...this time around Hi Res is the only strategy I am using now a month and a half since the mapping. I found the trick was to stick with it rather than switching back and forth. It turns out that MPS is easier to take on and settle into more quickly than Hi Res is. This was influenced by my listening to music since it just sounded more readily pleasing with MPS. I gritted my teeth through less than pleasing bouts of music-listening through Hi Res and have since been rewarded with the kind of results MPS was bringing at it's height and the light continues to break through the haze.

There is also the fact that the FDA requirement for using the 120 channel strategy is 3 months of Hi Res usage. Had I stuck with MPS, that would have been a concern. I imagine my Audie would have allowed me to try 120 regardless...but I wouldn't have gained the patience required for allowing an advanced strategy to settle in. Looks like I'll be ready to go now that the processor and the strategy have been approved for the U.S. and will begin to be rolled out in January of 2007, just 3 or so months away.

It's difficult for me to complain too much about life these days when I realize the blessings bestowed on me. I find myself generally happier and less stressed out by everyday things simply because the world is opening up. The same problems are there, but they just don't cause my smile to crack so easily anymore. Even when I'm down, I have still have the blessing of turning to music to get me through. Ironic.

I can't write a love song the way I feel today
I can't sing no song of hope I got nothing to say
Life is feeling kind of strange since you went away
I sing this song to wherever you are
As my guitar lies bleeding in my arms
My Guitar Lies Bleeding In My Arms - Bon Jovi

2006-08-19T05:16:00.000-07:00

When I was 3 years old, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wonder, did the fact they may be applying a bit too much pressure on a toddler occur to them when they posed that question? Nevertheless, I knew even then I wanted to be Spiderman. An early venture into that future career involved falling off the back of a truck parked in the driveway while fending off the bad guys (the next door neighbor and his visiting friend.) I don't think Spiderman runs inside crying. The bad guy got his when our dog, Jake, let him know what he thought of his hand being near his food. My hero.

Cut to some 30 or so years later, I have spent hours patrolling Manhattan swinging on a web line through corridors of buildings. I've walked up to the Empire State Building and climbed it all the way to the top to see the city of New York all around me. I've hitched a ride on a helicopter out to Liberty Island and climbed up the Statue. I've whupped purse snatcher's butts and returned the purse to the owner to receive their gratitude. All possible via modern technology through video games. Here's the view from the Empire State Building tower. Yes, that's the Met Life building in the background.

The games of today barely resemble the games of the 1980s when coin arcades were huge. Nor do they have much in common with the home systems like Atari or Nintendo. The games of today weren't even possible then. Besides the obvious graphical improvement..there is the artificial intelligence as well as the sheer size. Entire virtual worlds that are wide open for you to explore are available now. While credit goes to the fantasy game, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, for presenting the first open kingdom, the format was first popularized by the release of Grand Theft Auto III, a game where you took on the life of a con man. The theme was similar to the film "Payback" with Mel Gibson. Night and Day passes. It rains, the sun shines. You can take a walk along the bay just looking at the city across the river or you can carjack whatever car you see that you like. You have various contacts throughout the city. There was no maze to walk through or just moving from point A to point B to finish the game. You had to actually learn your way around the town just as you would any real life town. It is a simulator. You get to live the life of someone else in another world. Playing as Spiderman enables you to get a feel for what any average night is for the wallcrawler as well as just the thrill of having all of his abilities. You actually do have to practice to learn how to webswing which requires figuring out where you want to shoot out a webline to while swinging, throwing your body weight to manipulate your direction and speed. Plus navigating around the buildings without crashing into them. Most people trying it out for the first time tend to give up and just run on the sidewalk.

When Spiderman 2 was released on the XBox, while many games..including the Grand Theft Auto Series are subtitled, this particular game is not. I played it anyway. I just used whatever cues were on the screen. But I missed out on the main story that unfolds as you play as well as all else. I tried playing it a couple of weeks ago to see how much better it would be. I did note it was improved. I understood bits of dialogue during the cut scenes (sequences that tell the main story with no action requiring your controlling the character.) But the random dialogue from people on the street and those calling for my help were still pretty indistinct to me.

I wasn't daunted by that. Considering that you have for the most part all the sounds you'll hear in any major city out on the street, it's a real life audio simulator. There are cars honking along with the rest of the noise they make. People yelling. Birds chirping. Helicopters flying overhead. It's some heavy listening rehab.

After several weeks of not playing at all, I decided to give it another shot. I didn't have my hopes high...I just figured it would be about the same as before considering I am badly in need of a mapping with things just getting too loose and needing to boost the volume considerably. So I jumped on in to the game and started swinging. I was keeping a fairly low altitude going just above the cars on the street and I heard someone shout "Hey it's Spiderman!" Further down the way I heard someone call "Spidey! Help!" to which I responded. They said "The police are chasing after someone, they might need help!" I also heard a crowd that had gathered while I broke up an assault by two thugs on a pedestrian cheer me on.

Obviously, being able to hear all of these little things, as insignificant as they seem, serves to allow for further immersion in the virtual world. Even if subtitles were present, it's difficult to read them and also pay attention to what you are doing as opposed to passively hearing it. These games are only improving in their quality and ability to capture what it is like to be a super hero. A game based on the movie, Superman Returns will be out this fall for the XBox 360. As with Spiderman, it features a completely rendered city of Metropolis that you must protect by flying around as Superman. So not only do I get to be Superman, but I get to visit a fictitious city (and a pretty nice looking one at that.)

Considering that I work nights with not much of a chance to get out and about during the week, it's a great way to practice listening and understanding speech in difficult situations as well as recognizing all kinds of sounds. Obviously, the option to speech read people in these games does not exist (not yet anyway, mouths open and close but do not form words when speaking.) So I am forced to rely solely on my hearing rather than on old habits.

So that's how I do my listening rehab.

Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web, any size,
Catches thieves just like flies
Look Out!
Here comes the Spiderman.
Spiderman TV Theme Song - Unknown

2006-07-22T05:07:00.000-07:00

After spending a lot of time the last two weeks hooked up to the portable CD player by direct connect, experiencing all kinds of new discoveries in the songs I've heard for years through a hearing aid, I am experiencing some backwards progress. The quality of what I hear with has been gradually eroding. Hi Res is now no longer pleasing to hear through, it's harsh and hissy. MPS is holding up fine as back up..but I am having to turn the volume up more than I had to before. Instead of at 12 o clock, I have it at the 2 o clock position. The overall clarity doesn't seem to be there as I'm having greater trouble with speech discrimination. This is a reversal from actually understanding unfamiliar lyrics within music just by listening over a week ago.

I have heard of others complaining of such phases of not hearing as well and then snapping back. Apparently it's caused by stress, being tired, or even allergies. So what with North Korea throwing an attention getting tantrum, Israel raising Cain upon Lebanon, Iraq never-ending, a shake-up in home life with having someone I'm close to replaced with a roommate I put an ad out for, a heat wave setting off various allergy like symptoms and skin weirdness, and averaging 6 hours of sleep a night instead of 8...I'd say I have all 3 of those causes.

The thing is, we hear with our brain. It is doing more work than it did before by working in conjunction with the components of the ear that delivered the sound information to it before. It has to bridge all of those gaps that the inner ear would serve up to it already prepared for processing. So it's no surprise that quality of hearing goes in peaks and valleys.

Nevertheless, I'll monitor it and report it to my audiologist if it worsens past the point it is at now. It currently resembles the state of my hearing prior to being mapped with Mike Page from AB in attendance. So if it doesn't improve after a bit or worsens, I'll call for an appointment sooner than my next mapping which isn't until the end of August.

Despite that downer for the past few days....it's been a great two weeks, at least in Music listening. I haven't bought a book on CD yet because I realized they are quite expensive....75 dollars on average! I have other things 75 dollars needs to towards. I remembered someone mentioning Libraries carry them, too. So I checked the Long Beach Public Library website, which has their catalog online. Apparently they have the Harry Potter books..but they also have limited hours! They are all closed on Mondays as well as not opening before Noon most days. I'm betting this is a reflection of declining readership.

Now I haven't set foot in a Library in years. This is from someone who'd spent a good portion of his childhood at the Fort Dodge Public Library in Iowa, reading comic books and raiding the shelves for whatever information I could find about anything that came to mind..which I now do from where I sit typing this right now. The internet replaced the library. But for the first 12 years of my life, this place was one of my favorite places in the world.

My mom worked directly across the street from the library at Burch Manufacturing. The Day Care my brother and I would attend while my parents were at work would often have group walks to the Library. We would be walking down the street all holding our partners hand in double-file. My mom would sometimes be at the window waving at us.

The children's library had Ms. Seal, the Librarian. I don't believe that was her real name, just the personality she used. She made coming to the Library fun by reading from books as we sat in a room where they had steps like stadium seating that we sat on. They would also show films on the screen there. Anyway, I admire her job, pretty cool way to spend your days while getting paid for it. She certainly made an impact on me and made it a magical place.

The same years that found me spending time alone at the library with great frequency were accompanied by the onset of my first major drop in hearing. The surgeries I was having required I stay out of school for a time even after returning home from the hospital. Some of that time was spent at the library while my Mom either did her own browsing (my Mom gets just as much credit as Ms. Seal by showing her own interest in the Library) or ran errands in the immediate area. I remember embarrassing her a bit by speaking too loud for the library when she came to pick me up..given that I could not hear myself talk and my sense of volume gone.

The Library provided a sanctuary for me to escape to during those years of descent. At school during recess, I'd go to the school library instead of the playground. The unavoidable isolation I was experiencing was compensated for by immersing myself in a world that gave me reprieve from the strain of maintaining interaction with the rest of the world, a task that was just so much more difficult than it had been with my hearing.

Sadly, that library closed down and was relocated to a brand new facility. They modernized..I give them credit for doing it in style in a town that has been down on it's luck for two decades.

I could use a little magic in my life right now, so it seems fitting that I would have to return to the library to find it again. I'm long overdue in visiting my local library in a city that has been my home for over 3 and a half years now.

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun
High Hopes - Pink Floyd

2006-07-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

Well it's been 3 weeks since my last mapping. Hi Res P has gotten more time to settle in. I haven't had any issues of any sort during that time. There has been no return of the dizzy spells and all of my maps are equally usable. Hi Res P at 80 IDR is still my main program. I do switch to MPS 80 from time to time, as before, while listening to music. But I am finding I am leaning towards Hi Res P more and more in a natural way without forcing myself to use it. MPS can sound to shut in compared to Hi Res P.

I have not been practicing listening anywhere near as much as I should. Randall's ESL site, quite frankly...is not the most engaging experience. It's like listening to an episode of Mr Rogers Neighborhood...with a quiz to go with it. There is no reason why it can't be more fun. I also realize I need to just plain slow down. I want to wake up that part of my brain that listens with ease. So rather than focusing on listening without visual aid...I'm switching gears to reading along with the audio. It was suggested to me before...I just never really considered the value of doing so until now. Reading along would allow me to focus on all those little speech details.

Currently, my brain still has a habit of filtering out these details out of presumption that they aren't even there..so why bother? Obviously it kicks in...or I wouldn't be able to have phone conversations with family. But it should be on for all listening situations. I should be able to watch TV without captions at all, but I cannot just yet.

I mentioned my speech comprehension scores last time around. I'd be lying if I said I don't feel any pressure to do better next time. I mean....I went from up from 0 percent during the candidacy evaluation testing. Any improvement over that is a blessing. Still....it's not good enough for me. I'd like to see my scores closer to 60-70 percent by the 3rd month for both components.

Most of my free time when not at work or tending to whatever needs tending is spent listening to music. This is running before I walk. The enjoyment is not dependent on my ability to understand the lyrics by listening...I either already know every word or have lyrics up front of me to read along with. The focus is more on taking in as much of the auditory experience as I can. The thing is, I really do need to spend some of that time where the focus is on listening to just someone speaking...the details of their voice...both in the consonants and the quality...tone. It should be engaging.

So I've decided to finally go the books on audio cd route that has long been suggested to me. I can read along with it and focus on the speaker telling the story. Ideally...as I read..I would gradually find I need to read along with it less and less. I already know following along with it is not a problem in the least...but following is no longer the point..it's hearing every little detail in the voice. I'm leaning towards the Harry Potter books...they've been recommended to me repeatedly. I've only seen one of the movies, "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." I actually liked it and want to go back and see the previous ones. Except many people say the movies are nowhere near as good as the books. So I want to find out what the deal is there. That should hold my attention. Then there is the "Pocket and the Pendant," suggested by Stephen. He heard it read as a podcast. Apparently it's a newer piece of work influenced by the Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find it as an Audio CD, yet.

I haven't practicing too much on the phone. The way I do it, with the hands-free headset stuck to my headpiece, is not really that ideal. It's hard to hear me with the microphone dangling closer to my ear lobe than my mouth. For the frequency of calls to really pick up, I will need to get my Behind The Ear Processor, which will simplify the whole deal.

I did call my brother and sister-in-law on July 4th, though. That went pretty well. Matt seemed quite excited about it. He kept talking about the fact I was calling him. I shy away from talking about it. I guess I get a little embarrassed..or maybe I'm just avoiding getting too mushy about it. I'm actually supposed to be the guy in the family most in touch with his feelings....but I wind up trying to change the topic to "so what are you up to?" Part of that is also not wanting to get too comfortable and have the call turn into a complete bust..fall flat on my face. So I'm like "let's not wave the flag yet."

There was a different kind of success with this call. Matt had been holding the phone too close to his mouth, so I could hear him breathing into it while also his voice just being too sharp and loud. Once I recognized that, I asked him to move the receiver away from his mouth. This made a big difference in how easy it was to understand him. The "ice" was broken though. I believe the next step is really to make these phone conversations more frequent and routine. IMs served us well...but they really don't bring you together the same way. You are still looking at a screen with words. There is nothing like actually hearing the voice of the people you love and care about.

Talking to Nichole was an experience. It has always been difficult for me to understand my sister-in law. I would find myself looking to Matt to clarify her words. Her lips would get hard to read. On the phone, it was actually easier to understand her than my Brother. It was then she gave me the news of my 6 month + old nephew, Will, possibly signing his first word: Milk. She said she isn't totally sure just yet though.

For clarification, Will is hearing. His parents decided to teach him Sign Language as a way to give him an early communication method. They have been taking him to classes. I am personally convinced it's one of the best things anyone can do for their child. My own signing is rudimentary at best....the equivalent of speaking in broken English. It's going to come in quite handy though. My nephew does not see me all that much given I live in Southern CA while they live up in Bend, Oregon. So I'll have to make an impression on him. Having an adult other than his parents or in the classroom sign to him should make for a bonding experience. I'll see him this Christmas (his birthday is two days later) so by then he should be signing plenty along with getting to hear his first words!

The latest development in music-listening is I finally went and picked up a patch cord this weekend so I could plug my cheap Walkman CD player directly into my processor. I had to get an adapter jack to convert it from stereo to mono. This means both the left and right feeds are coming in to the processor so I hear both. It's actually quite enjoyable. I have to burn CDs rather than just play them right off my computer, but it will do for now. If you think about it, I am literally plugging the CD player directly into my brain. This is the equivalent of an addict getting his fix intravenously.

Things have changed from the days of sitting up in the early morning hours with a pair of big headphones blasting into my right ear with people in the next room being able to hear it. There is nothing to be heard by anyone outside no matter how loud I blast it. Incidentally, the volume on the CD player is kept between Zero and One (goes up to 10.) So I'm at the other end as far as volume needs go.

Eventually I will invest in an Ipod or Zen player. I'll always go to the store to buy CDs as long as they will let me (music downloads, such as those at Itunes, are increasing and sales of actual CDs plummeting) but either player will let me play my existing mp3s. It would be like carrying the same library that is on my computer around anywhere I go. Because they are battery powered, there is no risk of damage to my CI.

Music has been a process...those taking their own journeys should keep that in mind and not be discouraged if it doesn't sound like it should. The key is to focus on listening for what you do recognize and go with that. Keep trying. There were plenty of times I would shut the music down with a "blegh, that sounds like shit." I just couldn't take it anymore, but it gets better all the time. Two weeks ago, I was concerned that I wasn't benefiting from the increased information provided by Hi Res. I was still favoring MPS for music and I found that I could only listen to music for so long before it just didn't seem to come together as it had just 30 minutes prior. This left me worried that Hi Res 120, when released later this year..would not work for me as it should. After all, MPS uses only 8 electrodes instead of Hi Res' 16 electrodes. It's like they keep telling you though....you have to let it settle in. MPS is actually sounding less resonant than Hi Res P does, a reversal from how it was before. Hi Res P really doesn't have all that much pitch distortion. I'm able to go for longer and longer periods without the sound quality decreasing.

The pitch is still what I would call...faded. I am not about to take up a "name that pitch" challenge or start playing songs by ear on my guitar, but everything is gradually sounding more and more as it should. I do hear the limitations that I read about when researching the technical side of CIs prior to getting my implant. The more that is happening at once in the music..the more difficult it is to hear all of those layers clearly. For example...a lone acoustic guitar and a single singer can sound quite natural and true to form easily enough. I could close my eyes and get the sense they are in the same room with me. But then add in keyboards, bass guitar, a 2nd guitarist, singers vocalizing, drums, a sax player....Each with their own timbre and contribution to the whole of the songs...that's alot of information for 16 channels to process.

Yet, Hi Res does a very good job of working with those 16 Channels. With my hearing aid, I would often get "lost" while reading the lyrics along with what I was listening to. There were songs that I didn't even bother with because I couldn't pick out the vocals. Music that was boomy and bassy generally was the worst...because that is what my hearing was most able to hear. The less easily heard details would get buried under the what was just too over emphasized by my hearing condition. For 19 years, though I would read it in the lyrics, I never heard Jon Bon Jovi say "Once upon a time, not so long ago" at the beginning of "Living On A Prayer." That detail is now easily heard. There are entire albums that for the most part proved too difficult for me to listen to that are now effortless, both the music and the vocals. In the past, it would be easy for something like the singer throwing in an "Ohhhhh" and it would throw me off if it wasn't printed in the lyrics. I'd start trying to match up the next word in the lyrics with it instead..which would screw me up. Now, rather than my trying to play "match the lyrics up with where they are in the music," that process is practically effortless.

Even with the existing enjoyment I have hearing with Hi Res, Advanced Bionics users have 120 Channels to look forward to. This is what will give those "faded pitches" more vividness. Those layers of instruments will have more channels to deliver the information through. I believe the aim in the end is for 1500 channels in order to most accurately deliver the sound information, but I enjoy it with 16 channels as it is. 104 extra channels could possibly be orgasmic.

I know just where you come from
Where all your yesterday's are gone...
And now you're done
But you've only just begun
It's time you opened up the door...

And now it's all very clear
This journey of a thousand years

Can you feel it coming?
Can you feel it now?
Can you feel it coming?
Or is it the roar of the crowd?
Journey of 1000 Years - KISS

2006-06-21T04:00:00.000-07:00

First, let me say that it would really make a difference if I could write this stuff out in the late afternoon/early evening. But that is when I head off to work. By the time I get home at 3:30 AM or later...generally any flow I had going earlier that I wanted to get out has gone to bed for the night. So I often find myself stumbling to get something out so as to not fall behind....the result just isn't worth the effort when it's like that.

The other problem is when so much unfolds in a short span of time that I have no idea how to even begin..... So far the successes have been gradual over the course of the last month and 4 Days. The bumps along the way, although minor...are enough to also temper having too much enthusiasm. You get all excited over a development in your hearing and then something goes wrong...like dizziness or dissipating sound quality. It's like "Yay! oh wait...shit, that's not good."

But then the breakthroughs come of nowhere and justify it all....

This past Saturday night, I went to bed thinking about my Sidekick phone.. trying to figure out a way I could use it. The Aux Mic (an accessory that comes with the Processor for pinning to your shirt or sound source for better pick-up of the sound source) I had tried earlier by plugging it in to my processor and holding the mic up to the cell's incoming speaker did not work because it picked up the interference from the cell. In fact, I had taken to using the Aux Mic by placing it near one of the computer speakers while listening to music at night at a low volume..but putting the sound right in my ear from my perspective. My cell usually sits on my desk charging at that time. At one point while sitting at my desk I heard this bizarre electronic, yet erratic pulse. Of course, being me, I thought....Oh lord, the internal device is popping out into failure. But then later I tried the Aux Mic with the Cell and heard the exact same sound. So no dramatics played out there.

Holding the phone up to the headpiece doesn't work. It puts it too far from my mouth, plus the headpiece and phone wind up sticking together because of the magnets in both. I didn't particularly care for using the speaker phone on it because of the lack of privacy. Then I remembered the hands-free ear bud cord that came with the cell, sitting in my desk still in it's packaging. I had no way to use it with the hearing aid other than holding it up to my hearing aid's microphone, which defeated the purpose of it being hands free...and I couldn't really understand anyone anyway. The last time I talked on the phone with any degree of actual comprehension, usually with much repeating involved or just plain moving it along to another topic, was in the mid-90s with my Mom or Stacy. Anyone else was nothing but a visit to the land of unhealthy stress. I've stuck with just Relay through the Internet for the last 2 years, which is total typing. My personal communications were done via instant messenger.

Anyway...the thing with the hands-free ear bud is it is a tiny speaker....meaning it would stick to my headpiece and hang there...just as it's supposed to. The only issue is it's a bit higher than it should be so the mic on it is not quite where it needs to be in front of my mouth so I have to speak up enough for voice to carry to it.

So in the afternoon, which is my morning, when I woke up on Sunday...I went to the desk drawer and got the hands-free out. Sure enough, it stuck to the headpiece. I plugged it in to the cell and called up my voice mail to test it out. The sound came in clearly. I have to sit in the kitchen when making calls since it's the only place in the house with decent reception. It's not exactly the most quiet though.

Being it was Father's Day, I just jumped in and dialed up my Parents number. I figured that I could at least do what I had in the past...do the talking while they listen. The refrigerator was humming, blinds were banging against the windows from the breeze blowing in, a jet was flying overhead, and the connection was so-so. My Mom answered and seemed a bit surprised that it was me. She said it was good to hear my voice. As I listened to her speak, I was in disbelief, yet approached it very matter of factly, as if this was something I did everyday..just picked up the phone and called someone. My mom's voice was VERY clear. I wasn't even having to try. I just had to listen. I told her I was calling to wish Dad a Happy Fathers Day. She said she had figured. Then she went to get my Dad on the phone.

I had thought I would understand my Mom some, just not to that degree. My Dad...it was always uncomfortable on the phone with him because I could never understand him. Most of the time if he answered the phone in the past when I called, it would boil down to my asking if Mom was there and he would get her. Sometimes we'd try to have a conversation..but it was really an exercise in futility. But then my Dad said hello. What ensued was the first actual free-flowing, back and forth conversation with each other over the phone in over 25 years. I understood everything my Dad said. So much for me doing the talking and him doing the listening. At first he kept his responses short, but when I started responding to him appropriately, even where it would have been hard to just guess at what he was saying as I had in the past, he started to talk more and I just kept on answering. By the end he was praising the implant. I wished him a Happy Fathers Day and told him I love him and we hung up.

So that is how the phone re-entered my life one month post-activation. I've taken to carrying the hands-free with me anywhere I go now. I've found that I can actually understand the entire voice mail menu as well as listen to messages and get the gist of what it's about and who it is from. I believe I may very well be done with having Relay go into my voice mail and take 5 minutes to type out a 5 second message. I may have to expand my plan minutes seeing as I'll actually be using the phone service, not just the internet, email, and instant message services. I really did not believe I'd be able to do this one month post activation but there you go! I will need to do some practice runs before I start making more difficult calls to others I'd like to call up, such as my Grandma.

The call to my parents was done using MPS. Hi Res P was still not yielding the results I would expect. This past Monday was my one-month post activation mapping. Mike Page (great guy! very pleasant and I enjoyed having him there.) from Advanced Bionics was in attendence to do the integrity check on the internal device as well as work with Dawna on doing the mapping. Before we got started, I told them about the previous day's break through. Mike shook his head in amazement.

The integrity check showed that everything is fine, but the impedance issue arose again. They found that electrode 1 was particularly problematic. There was a series of tests done so I really can't keep them all straight. The bottom line was that they decided to turn electrode 1 off, which is at the end of the array where the lower frequencies are. The thinking was the impedance at electrode 1 was affecting the overall sound quality.

So electrode 1 was turned off and Hi Res P was remapped using a combination of setting the T and M levels and setting it "live." That means I listened with the implant turned on giving feedback on the quality/clarity of her voice while she changed the levels. The pulse width of Hi Res was also widened.

The end result was night and day compared to the last two attempts to put Hi Res on my processor. Mike had been speaking to Dawna as he looked over her shoulder while she did the mapping. He was speaking in a low voice, yet I was picking it up very easily and clearly in a way that was not possible with MPS. Hi Res P was sounding like it should. I left the office with the same programs, but with all of them working as they should: Hi Res P at 80 and 70 IDR with MPS at 80. Electrode 1 may be turned back on down the road after the impedance issue works itself out, as it apparently does as seen in others.

Hi Res held up outside of the office. I played the car stereo all the way back home and was able to enjoy the input through Hi Res. This had not been possible previously. The overall quality was holding up and I was using the 80 IDR! So whatever they did in the office actually worked.
The end of the appointment had Dawna doing the full range of tests in the booth. My open set speech scores, while I do not remember the exact results, came out pretty good considering they were at 0% during the evaluation phase pre-implantation. Dawna commented that my score results are typical of the 3rd month post implantation mark, so the fact that these were showing one month in was very good. I believe the open set sentences were at around 50% and the single syllable words were at 30%.

That evening while at work during my lunch, I made a call to Stephen using Hi Res P. I was actually eating and listening to him over the hum of the industrial refrigerator in the lunch room. It went pretty well aside from the fact there were drop outs in the connection.

Ideally, I should be in a completely quiet location with a strong connection when doing these intial calls, but the real world just isn't like that...so I've not bothered. I compare it to learning to drive using a manual transmission..which is actually what I did using a beat up 1970's green Subaru. If I can handle it under difficult circumstances, then that only makes it that much easier in ideal circumstances.

Hi Res P has become my main map. The ease of clarity is incomparable to MPS. I do switch to MPS sometimes while listening to music, but for the most part I've stuck to Hi Res P. By the end of the day on Monday, my brain began to protest. I had hoped to do an update then while listening to music, however that whining tinnitus that popped up at the House of Blues last year reared it's head. I took it in stride, figuring that the end of day syndrome of the brain being tired as reported by so many others had arisen. Hi Res is finally having a chance to really settle in and I'm sure it's taxing on the brain even while I personally still have an appetite for more sound.

My next mapping is not until August, so I am more than thrilled to have been given maps that actually work as they should! If I was able to make those phone calls after a month of switching between strategies that weren't quite ideal...imagine my progress 2 months from now using one strategy!

Been there, done that and I ain't lookin' back
on the seeds I have sown
Saving dimes
Spending too much time on the telephone
Who says you can't go home.
Who Says You Can't Go Home - Bon Jovi

2006-06-16T05:27:00.000-07:00

OK, let's jump right in to this...........The electrical stim impedence measurement issue that came up at the previous mapping..which had been the last worrisome issue...was back to normal at the next mapping last Friday. That was a bit overshadowed though by the fact that in the middle of last week I was struck by dizziness. I could not move my head without the world swimming. It wasn't that bad....but it wasn't normal for me. I had to drive to last Friday's mapping in a condition that is probably best compared to driving inebriated. Mind you....I still had my judgment. I just had to avoid turning my head too much or too quickly and there and back just fine. Though I got there 20 minutes late after an hour and 40 minute trip. I'd never been tardy to a mapping before and I was less than thrilled to be then. I'm trying to be dead on point with this thing in all respects...not be screwing up.

Then there was the switching out of Hi Res S into Hi Res P into 70 and 80 IDR respectively along with MPS set at 80. For the first few seconds of having it back..considering that I was a bit excited about it thinking how how balanced it seemed the first 2 weeks I had it..it was what I remembered...only more clear and crisp! Then from there, Dawna ran the routine of switching between program variations and other strategies to compare which worked best for speech. Hi Res P won on it's own merit...but as she went it stopped sounding like it did for those first few seconds. I figured she had made changes to it that altered it. However, I did fine on a interactive rehab test (prepared by Advanced Bionics but sold by both major brands under different names) that had me listen to words and then pick from two choices. These were not easy ones. We are talking the choices being: "Pod / Pawed." Yup. You try it and see how you do. Then after that it was sentences......with background noise. That was was not intended by Dawna. She had meant for something a bit less challenging at that point....but since I was actually doing alright with it...she let it go. I averaged out to about 90 percent on both altogether.

The thing is..once I left Dawna's office....Hi Res P went to shit. It was already sounding too much like S had previously to the point of having me thinking she was lying to me about what programs I had just to satiate me...but then logic and reason got a grip. I had Hi Res P...but the same issues I had with S were there. It sounded distant and I had no sense of volume. It was hollow. Turning the volume up only resulted in making the ever present internal noise (it's almost like I'm hearing the electrodes strobe) too loud and bothersome to benefit from the improved volume for the real world sounds.

Then I began to notice that for the first few minutes after putting the processor on...the volume was always plenty loud and the sound was full. Then it would degrade. At one point this past week, after waking up I put the processor on starting with Hi Res P at 70....it sounded exactly as I had been wanting it to. Then that faded after about 15 minutes. So finally...I was making sense of what was happening. The program is fine....it's my brain or auditory nerve that is breaking down.... Perhaps getting tired. But it held up fine for the first two weeks. So that meant that it could be adjusted to resolve the issue. I was happy to know that the quality was still possible.

I relayed it all to Dawna..so now I have an AB Rep coming to the next mapping to do an internal device integrity check and assist with the mapping. The integrity check did have me choke a bit...but it really is unlikely that is the issue (as Dawna stated, not me. I'm not the expert.) Having the Rep there do to the mapping is a good thing though...there is no one more qualified to do it. So I'm confident we will get it all resolved. So next Monday will be an experience.

The funny thing is...despite all the apparent issues that raise various alarms.....I've had plenty of progress. Obviously if I'm able to do more difficult auditory exercises and do well...something is working. I haven't really skipped a beat with the music listening. I've been doing alot of it...more than I have in months...and it's getting more frequent. I'm not just listening to the core performers and bands that I follow....in fact I'm a bit sick and tired of the core. I've been listening to alot of new material and getting it quickly. It's not perfect...the music seems to degenerate in quality the longer I listen. I believe that issue will be worked out or work itself out.

I could almost laugh at myself for even thinking I have anything to be complaining about...there are people who would kill to be where I am one month post-activation. I'm talking about hearing in a way that for the most part...is experienced as natural hearing. It's not electronic...it's familiar. I talk about hearing in this manner at this stage of the journey as if it's a given.....it's not. I could stand to be more thankful. But I am driven to push this as far as it's gonna go...so that is what I'm doing. So I had a bump in the road....that's all it is...not a barricade.

Just this morning while listening to the first half of Maroon 5's "Songs About Jane" album...I found myself actually hearing details in the lyrics that I hadn't before. The consonants were actually jumping out of everything else that was happening. I was reading along with the lyrics..but it was much easier to stick with it than it had been before where I would sometimes find myself lost. The other day I noticed detail where previously it had sounded like mostly a jumble of noise effects with my hearing aid, at the end of Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall II" from the live album, Pulse. I'm hearing all of these songs and enjoying them..new and familiar. I have a shopping list growing for my next trip to Tower Records. The only new album I've bought in the last year and a half is Bon Jovi's Have A Nice Day and I got sick of it before a month even passed.

I'm realizing that development, actually buying new music, is not one that is being pushed by myself. It's happening naturally out of the fact that I've had tastes that only whet the appetite. The fact that I was able to even taste it is what did it. I've tried listening to new bands before...but they never seriously grabbed me enough to have me bothered to go buy anything. At most, I'd download a video or a single song here and there. Now I'm seeking out whole albums. I've been going back over things I had glanced at previously and giving them another run to find it taking hold. That feeling when you first hear something fresh and new that makes you feel alive.....it has you off seeking it out to own it. That's what's happening now.

What was I complaining about?

And mama I've been cryin'
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun
The Sun - Maroon 5

2006-06-02T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I had my 2 week mapping yesterday.  Unfortunately, I can't
really rave about it.  The impedence measurement test showed abnormal
results with resistance high on some electrodes and more normal on
others.  My Audie hasn't really seen this before so the next step was
to call AB and see if they knew what it was about.  AB didn't know
anything either.  So it's something we are keeping an eye on.  Of
course that ruined my day and put me in a somber mood.

Add my volume issues into the fold.  I wonder if they are related?  My
hearing quality seems to go south as the day goes on, turning it up
really doesn't get back the same quality.  Exposure to noise and music
accelerates it.  Actually...exposure to anything...a person speaking
at length, watching talk shows on TV will do it.

My programs have been switched out.  Last time around I had the
understanding I had CIS, MPS, and Hi Res S at 60 IDR.  One of those
yielded the better speech discrimination results, one provided more
readily natural sound for speech and environment, the other on the
bassy side seemed to handle music better.  I had correctly guessed
that Hi Res S was the one providing the better speech discrimination
results.  MPS turned out to be the one I was preferring for music (it
doesn't seem to warp the pitches as much, but it felt like it needed
to be opened up...it was too bassy so it felt like being underwater.)
 However, I did not have CIS, I had HI Res P still.  So that was the
one providing more natural sound..but not the depth for speech
discrimination or music enjoyment.

So now I have 2 Hi Res S at 60 and 80 IDR respectively and an adjusted
MPS with more balance among the high and low frequencies.  MPS
continues to be the most immediately pleasing..but the speech
discrimination isn't there as much as with Hi Res.  Hi Res on the
other hand....I get a chipmunky effect on voices and music sounds
pretty bad.  It's a bit frustrating after seeing the raves about how
much better Hi Res was for music.

I like at it this way though, one of my problems was not really being
able to settle on a strategy so I kept switching.  This didn't really
allow my brain to settle in.  Hi Res is a bit like a room flooded with
white light...blinding and removing the color information.  The longer
I use it..the less "blinding" it is.  I did notice when using it prior
to the switch at the longest stretch that it had begun to sound more
pleasing.  But when switching to MPS and then back..it doesn't.  So
it's about letting my brain adapt to it and work it out.

The 80 IDR.....I dunno what the deal is with this.  It sounded good in
the Audie's office.  Once I left it sounded like crap.  Switching
between 60 and 80 IDR almost sounds like a different speech strategy
altogether.  It's not just more sound coming in.... there seems to be
a volume drop.  My own voice sounds distant as well as others.  So I'm
annoyed.  I stuck with switching between both Hi Res S as I want to
adapt to it...but the last thing I did before going to bed was try to
watch some TV.  The voices were ridiculous.  There was a female MC
that when speaking, her voice would be soft but then there seemed to
be barking going on while she was speaking (to the point where I kept
pausing it to make sure the dog downstairs wasn't acting up.)  The
barking was her voice though....it was really out of whack.  I haven't
had this problem until how.

Sitting here after waking up, the 80 IDR sounds OK and my own voice
has a normal volume with the volume set at the 12 o clock position (as
opposed to approaching max at the end of the day last night).  The TV
isn't quite as bad as it was last night.  The 60 IDR is still better
though.

I have another appointment in a week, hopefully my impedence
measurements are back to normal and by then Hi Res will be more
pleasing.  In the meantime, I'm just plain annoyed...annoyed that I
seem to have something going on that they haven't heard of and a
program that should be just an IDR increase but winds up changing the
quality negatively.  I'm just chalking it up as par for the course.  I
expect things will improve now that I'm going to let Hi Res settle in. 

If all else fails, at least I have MPS.

The concentration drifts in and out of me
Conversation slide away
Turn and face the change in apathy
Take a rise to fall
Turn To Dust - Def Leppard

2006-05-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly a week and a half now since I've been activated. The 2nd day mapping smoothed out the disjointed frequencies and lessened the "under water" effect. It turned out that Hi Res S was the strategy I was preferring out of the first set of 3 programs, so that one was held over while both Hi Res P programs were dumped. Dawna also turned off the highest electrode, since it seemed to sound better to me with it off. So now I have Hi Res S on one of these progam slots and as far as I know...CIS and MPS on the other two slots.

Regardless of the program I use, I have been nothing but ecstatic over the environmental sounds I am getting. Everything is pretty much as it should be, with the exception being the sounds of motors. Cars driving by sound like squealing and the vacuum cleaner is about the same. Though the last day or so I've noticed that seems to have gone away. Other than that, I have had so many "it's back!" moments that I can't keep track. Yes, I've had to ask people what it was I was hearing from time to time, but for the most part the sounds have been familiar or like long lost friends suddenly showing up at my door.

I haven't heard real crickets yet, but I don't think we have them in the house nor do we want them in the house. However, my Sidekick phone does have a cricket ringtone which is basically a real recording of a real cricket. I set it as the tone for the alarm clock to wake me up while I took a nap on my break at work. It sounds exactly as I remember!

I do hear birds, but I hadn't consciously heard real ones until just yesterday. Some sparrows were playing in the neighbors front yard. I did listen to recordings online of birds, so I knew I had no problem hearing them. Frankly, I'm sure I've been hearing them..but wasn't totally sure it was birds.

There really has been no end to what I hear with the implant. The clock ticking in my bathroom is obvious now. I can hear my stomach rumbling. I can hear the key in the door lock at the bottom of the stairs. Environmentally, I'm pretty much a hearing person in that sense...and I'll be able to hear more. This is just the beginning. But I can honestly say I have everything I had before with my hearing aid and then some. The comparison now is to the hearing I had before I lost it rather than to the hearing with my hearing aid. fad

Speech discrimination is the real hurdle. I've tried doing some listening exercises as well as trying to ignore the captions while watching TV. I've had some success..words jump out here and there more so than they did previously. I believe I really need more mapping before I try to subject myself to that. The words need to be coming through more clearly to facilitate pure listening. As it is, I'm straining a bit too much. The consonants are there, but the whole of the words need to be smoothed out to come together with greater clarity. So I'm not really stressing out on this frontier just yet. I'm hoping the next mapping will give me sharper discrimination to work with.

As it stands though, I do have some to work with. The listening exercises at Randall's ESL Cyber Listening Lab involve playing an audio file with all kinds of verbal exchanges. Then there is a multiple choice quiz to do that asks you about what you just listened to. When I read the quiz while listening to the audio file, I generally have no problem getting all of the questions correct. However, I do this by using the bits and pieces I do hear. Which is a start. The goal would be to understand every word that is said without reading the audio file script..which is not happening just yet. Also, I have been doing the "Easy" category. I'm not even two weeks in though...so if I was blazing through these, I'd be up for THE star performer award and win it without competition.

Revisiting the three unidentified programs, when it comes to speech, they all provide a different experience. Music reveals their limitations even more-so. They all have something I like about each one and negatives that I could do without. So I can't say I have a clear favorite for all situations.

Slot 1 provides voices with their own quality and equal representation of the frequency spectrum with the greatest ease. The depth is not so good, so the more that is going on, the less of a winner it is. Music, does not sound good with that program. Nor would listening in noise work very well.

Slot 2 is a bit heavy on the bass, unequal in the frequency spectrum. Male and female voices sound almost similar at first, resulting in not offering up their natural voice as readily as Slot 1. The frequency spectrum doesn't seem to be as equally represented, which results in this program falling into 3rd place for speech discrimination. But as I sit here now, it is that program that seems to provide the best Music-experience. It seems to have the depth necessary to handle it. If I had equal frequency representation on this program, I'd prefer it. I also experience less pitch distortion with this program.

Slot 3 is heavy on the treble. It seems to provide the greatest clarity when listening to speech exercises, but it also introduces the "chipmunk" element into the tone. There was also a hissy overtone to voices that I have since seemed to tune out from extended use. In a way, it's the opposite of Slot 2. There seems to be more depth than Slot 1, but there is plenty of warbly pitch distortion. Then any possible depth is killed by the fact the gain is all over the place! Loud and competing sounds are suppressed in volume. So let's say I'm watching a TV program. If there is background music going on while someone is speaking...I'll hear just their voice, then when they stop speaking...the background music gradually fades in and then cuts out when they start speaking again. Using this program while riding in the car is near hellish as the sound of the car, the road noise, and the wind battle with my own voice or the car stereo. It all just falls apart. At home, I tried listening to the PC speakers with music playing at a normal level. When I cupped my hand around head piece in the same manner one would cup their hand behind their ear to bring more sound in....the volume DIVED! It was ridiculously screwy. At the same time, I haven't totally ruled this one out on the premise that all of those problems can be fixed if necessary. Gain issues exist with all three, but Slot 3 is the most dramatic and problematic.

So now, I'm really looking forward to the Mapping this coming Wednesday. I hope to smooth a lot of the problems I've mentioned out. I'm also very curious which slot is which program. I had thought Slot 3 was the Hi Res S since it had that sharpness in the speech that it had on the first day...but it really has proved to be lacking as a whole. I'm secretly hoping that Slot 2 is the Hi Res and that turning the last electrode back on while increasing the amount of stimulation it gives me will provide equal frequency representation as well as ease of speech discrimination.

I'm still amazed at what I can hear with my implant. I remember talking with my otologist in Lower Manhattan a few years ago regarding how they work. He told me that hearing speech with it is like hearing an alien language. Frankly...he was full of shit. In retrospect, he was talking to me as someone he expected to have no idea what true speech sounded like anymore. Environmental and speech sounds all sound as they should. It's just that they are back. My brain must turn back on the speech-listening component so that I can hear talk radio and simply process the information as opposed to following the words. That is where the hurdle is. After compensating with lip reading for so long, even though my mind put the missing consonants in for all of these years, I have to let go and just let it come in. Listening should not be a chore as it has been for 25 years. I am confident that this is going to happen. I'm not even two weeks in and the benefits are so readily apparent. It's all been so worth it!

I saw my problems now I see the light
we got a loving thing
we got to feed it right
there ain't no danger we can go to far
we start believing now
that we can be who we are
Grease is the word
Grease - Frankie Valli

2006-05-17T16:52:00.000-07:00

Well Jeez! I'm tired! Not so much from the activation. I got 4 hours of sleep this morning after working until 3 AM. Then the appointment was at 10 AM. Factor in getting ready and driving time. But it's finally happened.

So I've been hooked up. After all the accounts I've read from various people as well as advice given....many of the precautions were unfounded. At the same time, they prepared me very well as to what to expect.

So what happened? First, we had to switch to the strongest magnet. While I don't have much visible swelling, there is enough to require more strength. Even then, it's fairly easy to knock it loose. Then Dawna began setting the T's and M's. They did register as beeps. Before turning it on, she gave me the usual warning and reminder that it will only get better from here on out. She said "Nothing can prepare you for the sound quality." It almost comes off like a word splash out of an old-time horror movie trailer. Then she flipped the switch.

Dawna's voice was the first voice I heard...quite frankly...it sounded like a compressed version of her voice with feedback (perceived, not real) accompanying it. Then I heard my Mom and Dad's voice along with Stephen's. So after reading about other's experiences with the Chipmunks and Darth Vader....I was floored by the fact that all 4 of their voices sounded like their own voices with extraneous layers. I had no problem telling the difference in each of their voices, male and female. I would not say it was clear by any means. I was not about to pick up the phone and have a conversation. But I passed the word tests that followed at 100%. Dawna would speak a word with her face hidden and I would choose from three choices. This was also done with sentences. None of these were a problem. She did do a sentence test without the aid of print, which I did not do that well at...but managed to get one completely right. Given I had been just turned on..that is alot.

The sound quality just isn't really the shock that so many warned me of. Perhaps I lucked out. I've had so many experiences with fluctuation over the years which yielded some pretty "broken" sound experiences that I guess I got used to it. The sound quality I have now actually hints at how much better it's going to get from here by already hearing some of the layers as normal, with some layers needing to be filled in. The speech is not several registers higher than it should be, at least not what I'm experiencing it as. There is plenty of bass in it. I did believe prior to all of this that I have a very strong auditory memory that I've kept alive by continuing to listen to music, even with my hearing being as technically poor as it was. I had to work at it, using the available hearing and my auditory memory to put it all together. So far, my theory seems to be proving true.

Another point worth mentioning is I required a considerable volume boost before leaving the office as I adapted to the initial setting quite quickly. I currently have two Hi-Res P's and one Hi Res S on my PSP. Dawna is not telling me which is which to avoid my being biased as opposed to just going with what actually sounds better.

A booth test was done using one of the programs I preferred at the moment with the usual beeps which found me testing within the speech bubble. So I can't complain about that either. I do not know the decibel level I tested at. At first, Dawna was going to give me a copy of it, but it had the strategies and their corresponding program slot on the processor written on it. So she changed her mind on that.

Just as with the surgery, today really could not have gone any better and it actually surpassed my expectations while meeting them. My hope was that I would have something I could use to help me along with lip reading as opposed to sitting in silence. I got that plus the fact that none of it is really all that alien as I was told it would be. Voices sound like voices and are distinguishable. Music, what I did hear of it incidentially, the rhythm was easily perceived and drums sound like drums..not some high pitched beep or anything like that. I heard a banjo while we walked around San Pedro's Port O Call Village, it sounded like a banjo. As for birds, while walking back to the car, I heard a crow and immediately knew what it was.

The only negative I can say has to do with the PSP. The wire from the headpiece is quite unwieldy. It sticks out in an arch and is somewhat stiff. I believe the only way I'll be able to get it to lay against my head without sticking out is by taping it down with a bandaid or something. But the fact is, I'm already considering opening my Auria processer and ponying up the cash for trade in when the time comes. It would be much easier and look better, not to mention having the T Mic at my disposal. In the meantime, I'm going to try and hold off on that.

I can only imagine what tomorrow's mapping will bring....

I can see through the mountains
Watch me disappear
I can even touch the sky
Swallowing colours of the sound I hear
Am I just a crazy guy
You bet
Flying High Again - Ozzy Osbourne

2006-05-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

Here I am, sitting here pretty much completely healed just under 3 weeks after surgery with the only perceptible difference being the fact I cannot hear. I'd say that say something about the success of the surgery when considering the alternatives... I simply feel fine. I'd be lying if I bitched about anything other than the fact that I'm getting a bit sick of the silence. I bounced right back physically from the surgery.

There was no face off with the gas.....well not consciously anyway. I got my wish and I was put out via I.V. This of course...only happened because the anesthesiologist recognized I was not a calm man. Oh don't get me wrong....I wasn't losing my mind. But I was jumpy and a bit wired. At one point I had a technician preparing to insert an IV needle into the top of my right hand while on my left I had a nurse asking me questions which required I pay attention to her. I saw it as a ploy to distract me from the fact my hand was about to be stabbed. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't find that situation all that calming.

Despite the anesthesiologist assurance of "no gas".....once I was in the operating room they put an oxygen mask on me and told me to breathe deep. I probably should have mentioned to him that I'm not keen on that either. The masks both smell the same though they look different. So the whole motion of putting that mask on while smelling that sickeningly sweet rubber smell just took me back to 1981. I practically had myself thinking it was more bamboozling from the staff....they were giving me gas and telling me it's oxygen. Judge Judy could use that phrase but I own it. I kept asking "are you putting me out now??" "No," they would shake their heads. This repeated 2 or 3 times. Then at one point the nurse indicated they were going to put me out and they started putting something in the IV drip. Frankly...that was it.

The next I knew the recovery room nurse tapped me awake and told me "all finished." "It's over?" then gradually became aware of the tight-pressurized feeling around my right ear and the fact I had a strap around my head. Then I became aware that I needed a pink basin and quickly. The usual vomiting ritual followed. It actually wasn't so bad. I saw the vomiting as the finish-line for the surgery ordeal. Now I could just move on to dealing with the after-effects. Dr. House came to my bedside just after the very brief wave of vomiting passed (the surgical cap made him look like a lunch lady at the school cafeteria...no disrespect intended..but it did lighten my mood.) I asked him if he got full insertation, which he said he did. I left it at that. I was down to pure lip reading at that point.

I was wheeled back to my room where my Mom, Dad, and Stephen were waiting outside. They all had these big grins going. I guess Dr House had already visited with them and gave them the details. They actually knew more than I did. But the gist of it was that the surgery as a whole could not have gone better.

It couldn't have gone better. It was actually a good experience, not one I look back on traumatically as I did the numerous ear surgeries of my childhood. The staff was for the most part, excellent. I wish I could remember the name of the Anesthesiologist. Despite my earlier derision, I actually liked him. He came to my room to introduce himself prior to my being wheeled over to the surgery area. He had a very personable demeanor that I'll always remember. The technician who inserted the I.V. did it with skill...no adding to my traumatic memories. Dr House had an upbeat attitude from the moment I saw him just prior to being wheeled into surgery. You'd think he actually enjoys doing these things. Then there was my family at my side. It was kind of a nice day, all things considered. Those who weren't there had given their prayers and they were felt. I am grateful for the support of everyone.

It's taken me until now to write about the surgery partially because in the initial days, I wasn't really up for much. I found myself napping on and off throughout the day for the first few days. I could barely finish watching a movie (at one point, my family and I started watching "Walk The Line"..I have no idea what happened between the beginning and the end.) Really though, the real reason it's taken me until now was because I felt I should probably say something about it before activation. Once the surgery point was passed, I became focused on getting hooked up. That had been my attitude all along.."let's get it over with." I got it over with and had nothing to complain about. I'm happy and blessed I can sit here and say it went that well.

It's been mostly the last week that has been the hardest in terms of waiting. I was otherwise preoccupied with my family or just adjusting to one thing or another. The full work week was another story. I finally began to be even more conscious of the fact I cannot hear anything. The tinnitus has been my only source of sound stimulation, I'm oddly thankful for that. Just so long as it shuts the hell up when I'm activated as opposed to turning into a crying screech, as if it can't handle it.

I've been trying to imagine how it will sound. It's really a fruitless effort. Setting my heart on anything is a bad idea. I'm best off just opening my mind and just take it as it comes. It's an adventure, not business as usual. When it comes down to it, it's highly likely I'm going to hear things I haven't heard in years. Birds and crickets come to mind. Both were comforting sounds as a child....one heralding the arrival of morning while the other gave reassurance in the dead of night. I remember them both very clearly. Yet, it's going to be a shock to hear those frequencies again. I may not be curing my hearing...but I'd sure say alot is to be said about the times we live in when I am hearing things again that I would otherwise never hear again.

This is going to be a trip......just 2 more days and it's on.

HEY YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!
Moving out in a new way
Moving out in a new way
We're gonna turn it on (turn it on)
We're gonna bring you the power (you can do it)
We're gonna light the dark of night like the brightest day in a whole new way
We're Gonna Turn it On (do do do)
We're Gonna Bring you the Power (do do do do)
We're gonna tell you the truest words that you heard anybody say
Moving out in a new way
Moving out in a new way
We're gonna turn it on
We're gonna bring you the power
It's coming down the lines, strong as they can be
through the courtesy
of the Electric Company
The Electric Company - The Short Circus (Composer: Joe Raposo)

2006-04-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

As I sit here now, I am only an hour or so from the roller coaster taking off. I am working my shift tonight starting at 5 PM and won't be off until 3 AM. Since I have to be at the hospital by 6 AM, I'll basically just come home to shower and get dressed in some sweats and a t-shirt...then take off. Not much time to sit and mull over it.

How do I feel? I'm starting to get a little nervous. Just thinking of the hospital environment I'll be in..and the gas mask....the gas. My Doctor told me at the Pre-Op visit that they will probably have to use the gas. He swears it's changed from the early days, but I'm skeptical. So it looks like I'll have to deal with that after all. Perhaps I'll learn the rest of that song and find out who was being difficult.

I'm mostly holding on to what is up ahead, trying not to fixate on the ordeal I'm about to go through in a number of hours. I'd say I'm more excited than anything. When listening to music over the past weekend, I found myself "chasing" after it. The details are never as in my face as they should be. I look forward to a way of hearing that puts everything up front. The way it is now....it's almost like "oh don't let me trouble you, just lay there and stay on vacation...don't let me put you out" when it comes to those hair cells in my cochlea. They actually "complain" when stimulated by volumous sound, even when it's not really that loud. I'm sick of it. My correspondants swear I am going to be in heaven when it all comes together. There must be something to it when I hear one implant user after another attest to this.

So the next time I post, I won't quite be the same. I'll be in a world of silence waiting for the flood of sound that should come in it's wake. It's the point between the two doors, one closed behind me and the other standing by to open. The surgeries I had in the past were more preventative (and actually didn't do anything as it turns out, so it was all for nothing.) This is the first I'm taking a step towards gaining back some actual hearing. It gives me something to look forward to where in the past..all I had to look forward to was pain and nausea with no results and we knew this each time. That makes this time easier...so if I must be gassed, so be it.

Still....I can't believe I'm really doing this. God help me. It's all so extreme....actually doing something that could at best, have me functionally only mildly hearing impaired... is pretty damn close to the kind of thing I've dreamed about since October of 1980. As much as I dream, it's hard to believe it will really do anything, but believing is what I must do to move forward. Here I go......

Dark and dirty
like you have never seen
a mind so twisted
with thoughts so unclean.
My heart is racing
all tattered and torn
I stand here naked
as the day I was born.

Over and over I stand
I'm holding the world in my hand
I got to believe

The sky is falling
on this setting son
Echoes of silence
ringing loud and long
This isolation
is the king of pain
A lost horizon
in an ocean of flames

Only the lonely will stand
I'm holding the world in my hand
I got to believe

I've been here before,
but not as I stand here today
I wait for the dawn
ready to walk
into the light
Desert Song - Def Leppard

2006-04-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

Just two more full weeks of work from today.

Just one full week of work post-surgery until then.

Just exactly 3 weeks after surgery is hook up day. This is the news I’ve been waiting for since getting the surgery date finalized. I’ll go 3 weeks without hearing at all, well at least not real sounds. I do expect to hear a hell of a lot of racket going on in my head though. If the screeching I got last year during the drops in hearing is any indication…I can only imagine what will happen when an electrode is shoved into my cochlea and taking out a few of those delicate hair cells in the process…most likely the ones I got left. But then..there is a whole lot of DOAs in there, too…so let’s not view the electrode as an antagonist.

So 3 weeks waiting for the real show to begin. The surgery puts everything in place, hook up day is when the starting gun goes off. That’s the day we really look forward to once surgery is reality. It’s sooner than I had expected it would be and I am not complaining in the least. I’ll be busy recovering along with my family visiting for the first week after surgery. Then I’ll have a partial work week, followed by a single full week of work. Then halfway into the following week it’s time to flip the switch. Of course I’m measuring it in terms of work because that is when it will be more of an ordeal. That is when I’ll be forced to be out and about as opposed to in bed at home…asleep….for 3 weeks preferably. But nope, I got bills to pay and I don’t get that much vacation time.

This good news is also boosted by the fact that I did get an audiologist change and I’m getting the one I had hoped for. So all in all, it was a good day. It was just the boost I needed. Keep me looking forward.

I've been listening to music while I can, which is in between taking care of things that need to be done...so that means pretty much just on weekends and towards the end of the day after I've done what I need to. There is just never nearly enough time. I have just this weekend and next weekend to listen to music. After that.....it's all the unknown.

I was listening to Def Leppard tonight. This is a band that nowadays is pretty much dismissed as old and tired. They had two periods of huge popularity...once that happens it's difficult to regain that status. They were cutting edge and undeniable. Everyone had a copy of Pyromania and Hysteria. But what's cutting edge turns to cliche when it is copied a thousand times over by lesser bands/acts and turned into a joke. That said, they've continued to this day...without the spotlight...and never really resorted to tired formula when producing new material (with one exception, that unfortunately did have a serious effect on their reputation.) They always strove for quality and innovation with an awareness of what is currently happening.

Def Leppard is one of those lifetime bands....I am a die hard fan. Much of their less commercial material...the stuff no one heard because they were too stuck on Pour Some Sugar On Me (even that song was innovative and fresh at the time of it's release), stands up to this day. The artistry they injected into their material gave it a life that transcends trends....just as the other classics do such as Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin. A poor strategic decision in 1992 where they became a parody of themselves rather than demonstrating their continued ability to lead and innovate is what kept them from being critically recognized as being on the same level. They are associated with a genre that does them a disservice by deflecting any chance of recognition for their efforts and the public at large really doesn't allow them to move beyond the late 80s material while at the same time ridiculing them for it. It's a vicious vortex. They've since decided to accept it and make the most of it..but it is tragic in that they are capable of so much more. Both guitarists have side-bands that they play in that give them the opportunity to free themselves of the constraints of Def Leppard and the expectations that come with it. Both projects are what would be described as "art rock" or even alternative. These aspects had always been a factor in the band, but as their popularity grew, the public resistance to anything new did also.

Part of the appeal of the band is the fact their drummer, Rick Allen, lost his left arm in 1984 just after their first wave of popularity. He faced it and adapted by creating a electronic drum set that used pedals that he could hit with his foot instead that would trigger the same drum hit that he would otherwise play with his left arm. As you can imagine, this took some rewiring of his brain to adapt his ability to play drums to this new approach and he succeeded. The following album and tour, Hysteria, was an even bigger seller. This was all done in the spotlight with his one arm. What could have easily ended his career as a musician and drummer was rejected. In a similar manner, I rejected not listening to or even playing music despite my losing my hearing. Rick is obviously a hero in this manner to me as is the band as a whole for standing with him as opposed to replacing him. You can read about Rick and the Raven Drum Foundation which he runs in addition to his continued playing with Def Leppard.

I have another hero I'd like to mention, particularly as the time draws closer where I will truly be unable to listen to music at all......John Redden, a bloke from Canada. John has the same implant I am about to get. He is notable for being a guitarist and having perfect pitch...all with his implant. He was late deafened as an adult, so he has this on me. But the fact he is real and he succeeded in beating the odds by retaining (actually gaining back, considering he was unable to hear at all for time) his ability to enjoy and play music. His tastes in music are not far off from mine, leaning towards classic rock. My mentor, Lorie, hooked me up with John's email address some time ago so that I could converse with him for myself. I had to see if this guy was for real. If he can do it, why can't I? I'd be lying if I said that a big part of my decision to go with Advanced Bionics wasn't influenced by John's success. This was someone who could tell me specifically what he was hearing, he wasn't just a passive listener who couldn't describe the details of what he heard. This is someone who made already made the leap and attained what I hope for. Perhaps it's unrealistic to expect the level of success he had, but the point is...he succeeded and it's real.

So as the countdown digits get lower and lower in number and I start to have seconds thoughts...asking myself if I really want to give up what hearing I have left...and question whether I'm closing the door on music, I think of John. I don't think I could do this if it wasn't for him and the others who have spoken of their continued ability to enjoy music. I'd wind up waiting until there was another drop in hearing....until every last margin of hearing was gone and there was only one other way to go.

Thank God for heroes...they give me something concrete to believe in and aspire to.

Watching time go and feeling belief grow
Rise above the obstacles
People beseech me
But they will never teach me
Things that I already know
I know

Dreams that I have shattered
May not have mattered
Take another point of view
Doubts will arise though
Like chasing a rainbow
I can tell a thing or two
That's true

You've got to believe in yourself
Or no one will believe in you
Imagination like a bird on the wing
Flying, free for you to use
OK baby

I can't believe they stop and stare
And point their fingers doubting me
Their disbelief suppresses them
But they're not blind
It's just that they won't see

I'm a believer, I ain't no deceiver
Mountains move before my eyes
Destiny planned out I don't need no handout
Speculation of the wise
Believer - Ozzy Osbourne

2006-04-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

I just put the last new 675 Battery I had on hand in my hearing aid the other day. I've worn hearing aids for 26 years now. I started off with a box on a belt connected to a single headphone I had to hold to my ear in the fall of 1980. Yes, I literally would be sitting there with one hand up to my head holding the earphone to it. That version didn't last long..thankfully...not to be ungrateful....but come on. The next was a bone conductor headpiece. I had no complaints. In those days, hearing aids still helped alot. Even that was short lived before finally getting my first Behind the Ear model. I wore analog BTEs for years before finally winding up with my current digital Siemens Triano. I can say without a doubt that this is the best hearing aid I've ever had. It's also the most expensive! Credit goes to my parents for that. It came at the right time though....the improved capabilities of digital hearing aids enabled it to provide more volume without sacrificing quality or generating feedback...all at a time when I was going to need more power than I needed before. It's served me very well and been a blessing in the 2 years that I have had it. I have one thing to say though....that hearing aid battery I just put in better last until the 26th of this month cuz I'll have no use for a new pack.

Come that morning, I'll take off my hearing aid for the last time. I don't suppose I'll be very cermonial about it as I'll be too focused on the fact I'm being taken into a surgical room for the first time since 1981, not exactly a sunny childhood memory I'm looking to repeat. But I'm also an adult now. And this adult is paying for his own damn Cochlear Implant and making the surgery happen even when it means revisiting a fear. Hearing aids have served me well, but it was time for me to admit they aren't serving me enough anymore. There's got to be a better way. The doc agrees.....he looks at astronauts ears after they get back from space and he was Ronald Reagan's ear doctor. Who else am I going to listen to?

Of course, part of that deal with the surgery thing is they don't come at me with that gas. Uh uh. Bad shit to be had from that. Aside from the visual and auditory hallucinations (I heard house music before it even existed..for years I had no way to describe what I heard...now I do) while on my way to unconsciousness breathing that crap in.....I heard a voice singing "Don't make it hard while I'm with you. Don't make it mine, don't make it yours. This feeling's fine." in my head, fairly vididly..over and over...for months after the fact. Hey, if the lyrics don't make any sense..don't look at me. I didn't come up with them. The gas did. I was 8 years old for God's sake.

Let's not forget puking my guts up first thing after coming out from the anesthesia. It doesn't end there. You basically feel like you are breathing it in and out all day long..and you spend the whole day passing out and waking up for short bits of time. It's like you can't escape the gas even with the mask long off your face.

Oh yes, I've failed to mention, but most certainly haven't forgotten that this whole gassing ordeal is preceded by a nurse stabbing me twice in both sides of my ass with burning fire in a syringe. I was told it was to relax me. An obvious lie. It was to render my legs useless so I couldn't run. Hey, they do it in nursing homes. "Give the residents these 9 pills twice daily to keep them from being trouble." What's to stop them from doing it to children? Anyway, I've seen this form of torture inflicted on my fellow children's ward occupants. I've also seen it inflicted on Jamie Lee Curtis when she's taken to the hospital in Halloween II. If it wasn't a horror show why would they put it in that movie?

At any rate, I'm hoping they can use an IV drip. A couple years back I wound up having to get my wisdom teeth pulled. I told him I'd like to avoid the gas and use something else if possible. He said it could simply be injected. So when it came time...his technician came at me with that gas mask. I put my hand up and went "Ah Ah Ah Ah...no. We aren't doing that." He starts arguing with me that he has to. I start getting out of my chair. Then the surgeon walked in and let him know it was all good. He just came and took my arm, froze the area and cleaned it with alcohol..then inserted an IV drip. I didn't feel any of it at all. Completely plainless compared to that vile wench stabbing my 7 year old arm repeatedly trying to insert an IV, blaming jumping veins... back when this whole hearing loss thing first began. I hope she has suffered whatever appropriate karma she has hurtling at her. Anyway, back in the oral surgeon's chair.....I just passed out. No bizarre pins and needles throbbing sensation enveloping my body as with the gas. Just peace. I woke up feeling inebriated for lack of a better adjective. God willing that is exactly what I'll experience this time, too.

It's not really the surgery that has been occupying my mind, not in that sense anyway. It's what I want to happen. I'm ready to get on with it before anything else can go wrong and prevent it from happening. It's just the plunge I'm taking....the stakes laid on the table. Those stakes, the amount of hearing I have left...may not be much to professionals, but it's all I have. I'm betting it all for the hope of more. But you know...that hearing aid battery better last cuz I'm sick of buying them. Rechargeable processor batteries..here I come!

I'm not old enough to sing the blues
But I wore the holes in the soles of these shoes
You can roll the dice 'til they call your bluff
But you can't win until you're not afraid to lose
Just Older - Bon Jovi

2006-03-28T14:19:00.000-08:00

It's so nice when rhetoric isn't empty, if you can call it that. My previous post was a bit rough and rushed...not as smooth as I'd like it..but hey at least I got something out. I am most in the mood to post while at work or right after work. I'm not getting paid to blog, so I won't be doing that at work and lately we've been into overtime every night, so I find my energy drained by the time I get home...plenty to say..but no energy to say it without it coming out like crap.

So back to that rhetoric........it turns out I under-analogized with the whole "swords drawn" bit. Their first move after compiling the case paperwork and reviewing it was to send a letter to Cigna and my employer that was the anthrax-laced equivalent of "cut the crap." So we have Cigna going from sitting back, having a good laugh while toying with us for months to "Sir, yes, sir. Our error, sir. Right on it, sir"the very day they got the letter. It helps that my employer is breathing down their neck now, too. So as I sit here now, we are due for surgery approval any day now.

It appears hearing aid contract language was applied to the request for authorization by Cigna, to which they denied service. The problem with this "error" is the paper work submitted by the Implant Center clearly points out the request is not for a hearing aid and that a hearing aid is not beneficial to the patient. This should remove any attempt to mis-label the request as being for a hearing aid. Never mind the fact that Cigna hasn't given a straight answer on any of this since the claim was submitted last year. Let Them Hear did exactly what was needed in the first place that Rochelle at AB wouldn't do, let Cigna know that we aren't going to play games with them. This actually could have all been resolved last year, but I'm thankful, considering the length of delays others have experienced. I will say to anyone reading this that currently has Rochelle working on their appeal to drop her before she wastes another moment of your time. I had been told she was a "miracle-worker" when it came to these things.....she was miraculously apathetic for an implantee doing such crucial work. Let Them Hear cuts to the quick with a passionate approach, don't accept any less.

This is all it took:

Dear Correspondence Representative,

The Let Them Hear Foundation is a 501(c)(3) non-profit based in East Palo Alto, California. Our mission is to assist hearing impaired individuals in accessing technology and medical services they need to maximize their personal development.

We have been requested by David to assist him with resolving his request for receiving a cochlear implant. A copy of the authorization for this representation is attached to this letter.

CIGNA Health insurance company alleges that there is a cochlear implant contract exclusion in Connecticut General Life Insurance Company’s group health plan. However, David’s employer has informed him that there is no such exclusion in his group health plan.

In short, we request that CIGNA inform us of exactly where this supposed cochlear implant contract exclusion is in the employee’s plan booklet so that we may proceed with the necessary appeals process.

Please be advised that blanket exclusions of all cochlear implantation in group health insurance contracts are illegal under the EEOC as interpreted by the ADA. This applies regardless of whether the plan is self-insured. Furthermore, there has been a specific finding by the EEOC that both the employer and the 3^rd party claims administrator are jointly and severably liable for all damages to the insured resulting from the illegal exclusion. As a result of Let Them Hear Foundation’s insurance advocacy, several Fortune 500 companies including Apple Computer, United Parcel Service, and Clear Channel have dropped virtually identical illegal cochlear implant contract exclusions previously contained in their insurance plans.

We've got the right to choose and
There ain't no way we'll lose it
This is our life, this is our song
We'll fight the powers that be just
Don't pick our destiny 'cause
You don't know us, you don't belong
We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister

2006-03-17T06:15:00.000-08:00

Yes, Hook Me Up is still alive.....

It's been nearly 4 months....what happened?? Well, that's part of the problem. In some regards nothing happened. I like to sometimes refer to myself as living the life of a hobbit. I like to keep my life drama free and stable. But a hobbit must journey to progress forward. Now, when you watched little Frodo and Samwise making their way across middle earth, the movie only cut in either when something interesting was happening or a short footnote while on their walk. Have you looked at a map of Middle Earth? That was a long ass walk from one side of the continent to another. Most people won't even drive that distance, never mind walk it barefoot!

Well, this isn't a movie, so sometimes there are periods where there just isn't much to share. I suppose I could blog about the pink crud accumulating in the bathtub or my car hemorraging oil and coolant..but this is about a CI journey. The insurance issue has been dead and unmoving since my last post. I otherwise felt quite unmotivated with things in limbo. I even stopped bothering to read or participate in any of my CI-related List Groups. What was the point??

It was about a month ago when the mundane snapped. I called Cigna to find out what they had on review from Rochelle at Advanced Bionics. They basically told me nothing had progressed whatsoever from the last contact I reported. Meaning all of these months and NOTHING had budged or been put in to help keep things rolling. I had been emailing Rochelle at Advanced Bionics for a status report on what she was submitting to Cigna and what I could do to help. No reply to any of them. This was during the hiatus over the last several months. After talking with Cigna...I got on the phone via Relay through instant messenger and chased her down at the office. I told her what I had been told and she said "I'll send out another form letter and follow up with you in a few days." She never got back to me.

I happened to be browsing one of my List Groups and someone mentioned an organization named Let Them Hear as having put their appeal through for them. I did an overview of the website and contacted my mentor, Lorie. She got in touch with her contacts at AB and got back to me ..letting me know they are the real deal and have a 100% Success rate...commenting on the background of some of the key players at the organization very postively. In short..she said "go for it!"...allowing me to dismiss any worry I had about conflict with Rochelle's handling of the appeal....or lack of it.

So now my appeal has been taken away from Rochelle...I do not have an explanation for why she was so unhelpful. Perhaps she had an overwhelming case-load...but that still didn't excuse the lack of communicating with me. It's now being handled by Let Them Hear. My communications with the woman in charge have been quite encouraging. She is a mother of an implanted child who had to go through the ordeal with insurance herself....so as a result she is quite impassioned. Where Rochelle was submitting form letters that didn't address specific issues to expedite the process...resulting in no progress.....Let Them Hear was asking all kinds of questions and suggesting various methods of slamming this thing through. They are quite backed up with appeals..but the point is...these people care! I still expect it will take some months, but I'm fine with that as long as I know something is being done.

So continues the journey, with one of the actors in the fellowship fired for sitting on their ass and another in their place...sword drawn and ready for battle against the forces of Sauron on one front so I can continue my journey on my front.

I'll soon be turning (turning turning)
Round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The Show Must Go On - Queen

2005-11-17T05:25:00.000-08:00

I've spent much of my life wanting to change so many physical aspects of myself that really can't be changed. Like when I was elementary school aged, I'd fantasize I had blond hair and blue eyes, like my brother...Matt. I thought my brown hair and eyes were drab and plain. I had always had moles all over my body. I've always detested them. Particularly the ones on my face. I had three prominent moles on my left upper side under my eye and next to it. For my Senior year graduation photos, I had them air brushed out so I could finally see the face I'd always wanted. Without them..I looked ...angelic....almost too angelic.

I made an appointment last week with a dermatologist. I had a raised red bump on my upper bicep that I had wanted checked out and removed if possible...it had grown over the years from a red pin head dot. So I was finally getting it checked out by a specialist..though general practitioners had said it was nothing. So I went to the dermatologist this past Tuesday. I came out with the red bump removed and the mole that had been under my eye, the most prominent one on my face to me, was now gone, too. No fanfare or anything leading up to it's removal...it's just gone.

Now oddly....I'm wondering if I'm going to regret it. My Mom had said it before..it was part of my character...who I am. So I find myself feeling I've chopped off a part of myself. The red bump had to go...it sprouted up in the last several years. But the mole had been part of my face since I was a small child. It was an identifying feature. It wasn't humungous. Even Jon Bon Jovi has one like it. I have some regret about it now, but it cannot be undone.

Without being overly dramatic over a removed mole......ultimately the point is I realize that I am much more comfortable with my body now. There are things about it I'd like to change..but they are possible and healthy changes...not something that alters the core of who I am.

Right now..there is a red raised welt on my face where the mole had been. I've had one mole removed on my upper arm in the past. A larger pink raised bump of skin took it's place. It's since softened over the 10 or so years since..but still..I do NOT want that on my face. So you know I'm taking hydrogen peroxide and neosporin to it twice a day just as the doctor instructed me to. I'm not messing around with that....it better heal. The doctor did assure me that it would not turn into the same thing on my arm. I'm hoping that when it heals though..that the skin will look normal and flat again...with a faint tan spot where the mole was....still there..just reduced presence.

I guess in a way, it's a practice run for the CI. Now...getting my hearing back is the one thing that I would change that is a physical aspect of myself that cannot be changed, ideally. But still, I am having my body altered to accomodate the implant. I don't like that idea too much now. Having my skull drilled into? Are you out of your damn mind?! Do you know how much can go wrong with that?? Hell, I'll just go with the hearing I have left..thank you. Call me when you got ear drops that you put in your ear for 1 minute and then new nerves grow back...end of hearing problems.

Yeah, you gotta be hungry for it to go through with it. I guess I'm starting to see the blessing in the insurance delay. I'm taking stock of things more now. My mole just went.....I didn't have time to really think about it. My hearing, every last bit of it that I still have...will be forcibly removed completely when the implant is inserted into the cochlea. So even if the scar around my ear heals up nicely and I suffer no complications as a result of the surgery...smooth healing.....I'm still altering a significant part of me....in the hopes that what takes it's place will offer much more.

My hearing has stabilized more so than it had been the past several months. I've actually been able to listen to music in the car and at home. I do have to stop because it does degrade..but not nearly as quickly as it had been. I've gotten up to an hour in, whereas the past few months I'd be lucky if I got one minute and a half. It was such a relief to be able to feed that...I was able to hear the new Bon Jovi album...finally. I am even able to sing along with it in the car. I have to pace myself when listening to music..but I am listening again.

So I'm getting a chance to say goodbye to that part of myself. The insurance sent a letter last week. They said I don't have appeal rights because there is nothing to appeal...that no claim has been made. They go on to say that all that has been denied is a voluntary pre authorization. So AB is back on it again to re-do the paper work to tailor it to the situation. This of course..is just the road stretching out more....the journey goes on.

You know me
Just look in my eyes
I shed my skin
got a new disguise
My heart still beats
and I'm still the same
Do you know my name?
Day After Day - Def Leppard

2005-10-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

Things are slow around here and will continue to be slow while the surgery is in appeal. It's difficult to remain hyped when this process could drag out into months or even result in not happening at all...at least not through this method. So I have to kind of slow down and put my mind elsewhere, obviously this is easier said than done as every waking moment is pretty much a reminder that something needs to be done.

Maybe there is a blessing hidden in this delay somehow. If it winds up really stretching out...I would hope there is an improvement in the technology by that point that I would then get. Though there is a couple of years go to. The only upgrade on the horizon is the 121 Channel Strategy. That is something that is possible now though. The benefit there would be not having to deal with trading in the Auria BTE for the new one needed to work with it.

The downtime has me looking at whether it's really neccessary to implant my right ear. My doctor believes that I will not benefit from implantation in my left ear. It has been "dead" since birth. My right ear has been hearing all along one way or another. The reasoning is that an ear that has had no stimulation will not benefit from an implant. Yet, I recently read the results of research into this that now have me questioning it. I'd post it here, but I do not have it handy. Basically the gist of it was that no real difference was found in success rates when implanting one ear that has never had hearing versus an ear that has. Now my right ear's hearing level is not good..but it's something. Where there is no speech discrimination and it fluctuates with tinnitus....it's still useable. I respond to the doorbell and other types of alerts. It does still help with speech reading. If it would just stabilize and the tinnitus would quit...I'd want to use it in conjunction with an implant in the left ear. It would put me at ease. At it is at this point, everything hinges on successful implantation of my right ear. If there was failure..I would be devastated and worse off than I was before. I had accepted my doctor's word..given that he is tops in his field....but now I'm seeing people who did otherwise and it seems to be working for them. So I'm questioning it. If my left ear can be implanted just as successfully as my right..then there is no need to go and destroy my right ear leaving me totally dependent on it. I should say my doctor has never given me a medical reason backing him up..such as perhaps the hearing nerve in my left ear would have atrophied. That is the only reason I can think of. I am now thinking he is really leaning on my right ear because it's the easier route to success.

I started looking at this again because there is a lot of discussion regarding bilateral implantation on the discussion boards. I've been dismissing it as something out of the realm of possibility until now, since I've been made to understand that I have only one ear possible for implantation. So basically it was that whatever implant I get in my right ear is the end of it.....No future technology consideration. If I got my left ear implanted, then considering a bilateral implant for my right ear down the road when the technology makes a leap would be something to look forward to. Of course, I would hope that implanting my left ear would bring about successful results that would make up for the loss in my right ear and then some. The idea of hearing bilaterally and being able to use my aided ear to fill out the sound stimulation by giving me the lower frequencies is much more attractive than going the route of everything to gain and everything to lose. I don't like to gamble, I've just been led to believe that was the only option.

Two roads ahead, but which to take?
If you can't see it's your mistake.
On Through The Night - Def Leppard

2005-10-07T04:14:00.000-07:00

We buried my Grandad this past Monday. He was 87 years old. He'd dealt with emphysema for years, needing to actually push his breathes out instead of simply exhaling as we take for granted when we have healthy lungs. Then lung cancer decided to up the challenge about 2 years ago. He fought that, too. He was a good man, a WWII veteran ranking as Captain upon his discharge. He and my Grandma had 5 children, including my Mom. One, a son, died while in the hospital post birth. They've lived in the same house since the two oldest...my Mom and her sister, Jan, were little girls. They even added onto the house when they found that the family was growing bigger than they expected, creating more bedrooms. My Grandad and Grandma were married 62 years.

I didn't know him that well. Our main connection was our shared birthday, March 9. He was a quiet man, mostly keeping to himself. Yet, his death has affected me in ways I wouldn't have expected. I see it more clearly how he impacted my life without so much direct verbal interaction. He was a pillar in our family...the man at the top...holding it down....."Lanny," as my dear Grandma affectionately nick-named him. He didn't smile much..but when he did..his face would light up. His passing brings about collapse at a certain level in the family.....a symbolic 9-11 if you will. He leaves my Grandma widowed...after being a constant for 62 years. I haven't known that kind of consistency in my life and cannot imagine it being gone the way my Grandma is now experiencing it. The love of her life fought the good fight, but he was tired and had to go. He was buried with Military honors...a fitting tribute to the man. I admired him and didn't even realize it until now.

My Grandma is the last of my grand parents still living. She is now moving out of the home they made together. My heart breaks when I think of all that is happening to her. If I could, I would stay and help her through this. From what I have seen, she is handling it the best she can..having the best possible attitude. It is still too much and I wish I could have stayed if it cushioned it that much more for her. She is moving to an Assisted Living facility. My hope is that she adapts to the change well..makes new friends and gets creative..and that I'll get to see all of this by making a point to visit her more often than I have..considering 1998 was the last time I had visited out there. The next time I saw her was at my Brother's wedding in 2002. It's far too infrequent to continue like this. My Grandad's passing brough the family together and made me appreciate them even more. I do not want it to be only death and weddings that bring us together. Hell, I missed two weddings already when my cousins got married.

So many of my best childhood memories are with my Mom's side of the family...all centrally located in one midwestern city. My dad's side of the family is spread out across the U.S. . It's a different experience. I'd spent many weekends there, where the whole family would gather at my Grandma's for dinner. My brother and I would always get excited at the prospect of seeing and playing with our cousins. We usually wound up down in the basement, chasing each other around the water heaters in the middle of the room while giggling the whole time. Those were happy memories. I am realizing there can be more, but we must make a point of coming together. I've missed much of my cousin's lives at this point by not visiting regularly. If anything good comes out of my Grandad's passing, it should be that it commanded attention to the family..nourish it. My Grandparent's failing health is what brought about the family coming together this past July, with Grandad's health getting poor and my Grandma having suffered a mild stroke. My Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister-In Law all went out there. I hadn't seen my Brother and his wife in almost 3 years, nevermind the rest of the family going on 7 years since. We made the most of the time, with my Dad parking the RV out front and the whole family getting together at Grandma's house. We were all finally together again.

My Grandma has always been there for me. Now she is at a point in her life where I need to be there for her. She needs to see me more than once every few years. She needs to know we are all there for her. I find myself already thinking of when I can next get back there...which would be Thanksgiving. I believe having us all together is the best way for my Grandma to heal and revitalize. This was the attitude at the post-funeral buffet. We were all in a private banquet room at an Italian buffet. The family was celebrated. We all took pictures of everyone together in different combinations. Photo albums were brought...celebrating the history of the family and how it came together. In them were photos of my Grandparents in their youth as well as my Mom, my two Aunts, and Uncle as kids. It was a little bit of chronological history in pictorial form. We were all together...and there sat my Grandma...her majesty in the purest and most loving sense at the center of it all.

When we had to leave the next day to return to our respective cities, I became more aware of how the family held my Grandma up. She expressed dread at the thought of my brother, his wife, and I having to leave. This was something she hadn't done before. When we left in the early morning, she woke up to say goodbye. Before I walked out the front door for the last time, knowing the house would no longer be in the family the next time I returned, I looked back at my Grandma sitting in my Grandad's easy chair in the living room watching me go. She was overcome with emotion and began to cry. I blew her a kiss, gave a look of reassurance and turned to walk out. Then I began to cry, too.

It is my hope that upon getting implanted with the CI, I will be able to pick up the phone and call my Grandma on a regular basis, or every two weeks, just to say hello and hear how things are going and what she is doing. I told this to my her and explained that it's not guaranteed...but a possibility. She lit up at the thought. So now this is one of my 5 hearing goals that I didn't get to put down when I filled out the form at the CI evaluation.

The denial letter arrived in the mail yesterday from the insurance company. All it had to say was: "benefits are not available for this service because benefits not covered by your plan (SIC)." A form letter with a macro lacking proper grammar is what I got. They were keeping it cold. The AB Administrator handling the appeal says I have a good chance of turning it around, but that it usually takes several months and multiple appeals before it turns around................I want to call the clerk at the insurance company and tell them to hurry up and just authorize it already...I need to call my Grandma.

I love you Grandad....as Mom said at the funeral...we will always share a birthday. It shall now be your own holiday in tribute. God Bless.

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones besides the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells
Breathe - Pink Floyd

I never said I was frightened of dying
The Great Gig In the Sky - Pink Floyd

2005-09-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with the insurance company....(wraps hands around an invisible neck and clenches while grunting.) They say they the letter stating the denial of benefits was sent out to me on the 22nd of this month. Its the 29th. Mail is not that slow. They said they will send "another" out to me and it should get be sent out in 7-10 business days. I'm going for the copy my implant center got. Hopefully they'll hook me up...so to speak.

Sigh.....(looks suspiciously at "The Force)

Came to this morning, I was feeling mighty used
Picked up the telephone but all I got's a major attitude.
The More Things Change - Cinderella

2005-09-27T04:17:00.000-07:00

Well, still no statement of bullshit in the mail yet from the insurance company. There was, however, another email from HEI. They got their hardcopy of the denial today and they confirmed the understanding I had from the phone conversation I mentioned previously. It was encouraging in that the HEI rep seemed to be convinced they made an obvious mistake that can easily be rectified. I'd imagine they see this enough to recognize what's going on. So now if I could just get my own copy so I can forward it to Advanced Bionics and get this show on the road.

Getting the CI has consumed me. It's become that last hope that I am holding on to, in more than one way. The rest of my life is either on hold, or fading away. My social life is limited, and expanding it is nearly impossible under the circumstances. Doing the things that I enjoy has been curbed as I can no longer go down to the club and see a band play or even crank my stereo up at home. Visiting family in the area is difficult when you have the communication barrier. Setting and executing any goals for the future is a bit unrealistic with so much uncertainty and needing to keep things stable to ensure the main goal is achieved.

My hearing isn't the only thing I've lost this year. My live-in love relationship has also broken down and seems to be slipping through my fingers. It already happened before the hearing loss did, so it is not a result of that, though it definately has made communications more frustrating. We began to clash..the frequency of arguing increased.....we were both frustrated feeling we we're not getting what we needed from each other. So we broke up, but continued to live together.

My hearing did impact a personal form of communication we had with each other. Sessions......the name we had for the shared narrative in the form of music. We would pour a glass of wine, settle in..then each take turns playing a song. The songs had to flow, so it couldn't be just random. Both audio and video was used. We started this back in late 2003 and continued thorough 2004 on a regular basis. They continued even into this year up until I could no longer listen to music.

The songs would often be used to communicate to each other. Often the one song would be played and the following would directly answer the first song. Sometimes they just told a story that had nothing to do with us. You get some interesting combinations when you try to get Neo-Soul and Hard Rock to merge. But they did. We'd find that common ground.

My hearing loss took that away. I do think it has impact on how things played out. Sometimes words can only hit harshly and serves only to push the widening gap further. When you want to communicate your emotions, and you do that via a shared passion for an art form that becomes part of our very souls, it is bonding. Shut up and dance......let the music do the talking.

Now my live-in love is looking at moving out. I don't really allow that reality to settle in. It's too terrifying and heart breaking. To have those goals and dreams we made just go up in smoke at this point leaves me lost. It will also plunge me further into isolation.

So yeah, it's all about the CI. It's what keeps me going. The CI not happening is simply not an option. It's my only hope for reconnecting to the world. I've been to the Deaf world......it is not my world. I am a hearing man afflicted with deafness. Hearing is part of my very identity and I will fight for it.

Are you out there?
Can you hear me?
Do you know my whereabouts?
Do you know what I'm about?
Through the static, you're so close so far away.
Are you listening?
I'm desperate.
Sending out an S.O.S.
'Cause I'm lost I must confess
Throw a lifeline
I'm down here drowning in the deepest part of me
Satellite - Bon Jovi

2005-09-23T04:51:00.000-07:00

Denied. Yup. Didn't I say this was going to be a journey? There is no such thing as a smooth ride from point A to point B for me. To think otherwise is to be like Charlie Brown and that wench pulling the football out of the way at the last second, again and again. Well, I did have my hopes up so I guess I am a bit like Chuck....with a matching self esteem.

Anyway, I got an email from HEI advising me they had been notified of the denial. I called the insurance myself and they verified along with telling me the reason is they don't cover hearing aids. The last I heard, a hearing aid didn't involve drilling into your skull. When I asked why they covered the evaluation tests, the reply was they don't cover those either. I got paid bills that show otherwise.

So after a brief emotional breakdown, I picked myself back up and emailed Advanced Bionics. They will be helping with the appeal process. They replied within an hour with the forms I need to fill out. Unfortunately, I have to wait for the offending party to send their statement of bullshit to send with the forms before AB can help.

I do know that denials are very common and apparently...usually overturned. You'll find this echoed all over the internet with other users who are now past that hurdle. In the meantime, I'm still waiting.

The new Bon Jovi album came out this past Tuesday. I wound up getting it through Itunes...a first for me...downloading an entire album by a band that I am a fan of. In the past, I had only downloaded the odd song or two. In this case, I would have bought the japanese import..which has extra songs. But with the state of my hearing...it wasn't really worth it at this time. I've been able to listen to the album in spurts by burning a CD of it and playing it in the car. Usually by now I'd have most of the songs down cold, but since I can only listen in spurts, I'm actually putting the songs together piece by piece over a stretch of time. Still, it's not enough for me to do a review of it for Dry County-JoviTalk, the fan-based forum I help moderate. It may have to wait until after the implant happens.

This is the story of my life
And I write it everyday
I know it isn't black and white
And it's anything but gray
I know that no, I'm not alright
But I'll be OK ‘cause
Anything can, everything can happen
That's the story of my life
Story of My Life - Bon Jovi (2005)

2005-09-02T05:09:00.000-07:00

Well, the "Force" was at work again. It's still in "prank" mode. No, not the alarm this time. The alarm went off fine, but I woke up 15 minutes prior anyway probably due to being nervous about that possibly happening again. No, this time the "Force" went for the other end. I don't get off work until about 3 am normally. That is if things go smoothly and we don't have a larger than normal workload. Since my 2nd Evaluation Day appointment was at 1 pm, again, obviously I want us to finish on time, get home and get my ass in bed. I do want to be rested for it. Well, "The Force" decided to have fun with the company database. It apparently involved dumping molasses on it because it was processing single command sends (such as totalling a sum) at about 1 per 10 minutes. Normally, it should be instaneous. Under those conditions, I was forgetting what I was doing by the time it finished processing. This kicked in at around 2.....when we had about an hour to an hour and a half's worth of work left. This type of thing doesn't happen with this system. In fact, it's only happened once before in the 7 months I've been at this job. My boss said if it didn't go up by 4, we'd just go home. It kept it up until 3:30. So much for going home on time. So we went back to work...then it did it again at 4:30, so we stopped. You get the idea? We've been going home on time regularly otherwise.

I did arrive exactly on time to my appointment, though. I was pretty rested and managed to grab some breakfast on the run, too. The Audiologist had the same demeanor as last time, she was pleasant yet professional. First she went through a power point presentation on the Lap Top in her office. Basically it went over the parts of the ear, the implants parts, where it goes, how it works...blah blah blah. Boring. There was nothing covered in that portion that I didn't already know. I do know there are people who will get all their information that way, though. So it's done one size fits all. I let her do the presentation as intended. Unfortunately, the tinnitus kicked in very quickly and early on in her presentation so I was pretty much unable to actually hear for the duration of the entire appointment.

The next part was what I was really waiting for, she showed me both the Cochlear Nucleus Freedom and Advanced Bionics devices. The Cochlear device was first. It came in what appeared to be a mid-sized steel briefcase. There was no BWP (Body Worn Processor) in the demonstration kit, just the BTE. She had me try it on. I was struck by the fact that it wasn't as heavy as it looked like it would be....actually it wasn't heavy at all, even with the three batteries loaded in it. She had me remove the battery case and work with the buttons to get a feel for it. Of course, nothing about viewing the processor made me want to change my mind.

Then it was on to Advanced Bionics. Both the BWP and Auria BTE were in the demonstration case. One of the aspects of the BWP that attracts me is the fact that nothing is on your ear at all (Cochlear's BWP has it resting on your ear looking more Borg-like). After 25 years of wearing a hearing aid on my right ear...I'd like a break. I had assumed that the microphone was on the box, but it's a little hole in the headpiece/magnet. Makes more sense. Incidentally, the appearance of the headpiece was another attraction to AB in my decision-making process (after considering the technical ability first, of course.) It is a simple solid button, unlike Cochlear's ridiculously clinical-looking dish. The Auria BTE is simple looking enough. It, too, is very light weight. She showed me the different sized rechargeable battery packs..which basically differ in weight, size, and length of power charge.

Next, I was asked what my decision was...which of course was still Advanced Bionics. What I hadn't anticipated is that I would then be picking out package components. I had to decide whether I wanted two BTEs or one BWP and one BTE. Obviously I went with the BWP/BTE combo. I had to decide what battery pack combo I wanted, I went with a mix of large and small. I had to pick out my BTE colors. My BTE will be black, which is officially named "dark sienna." For the accent caps (fits over the headpiece and a portion of the BTE) I went with the "Blending Colors" pack which is basically plain colors ranging from gray to black. I doubt I'll even wind up using them since everything is black.

Regarding my impression of her at this stage, she is basically a true professional. She does her job correctly. She maintains balance between being personable yet objective. I cannot find fault with that. So it's all good.

That concluded that portion of the appointment and the next bit was to see my doctor. I had to wait about 45 minutes. While waiting out in the reception area, I just watched various clinic staff coming out and calling names. There was one particular employee, another audiologist, the type that pretty much just do routine hearing testing, that I noticed. She's a redhead. Plain looking... really. I think she has done way too many of these. She is completely on automatic pilot, devoid of any emotion. She comes out holding someone's file and calls their name. Then she drones, while looking through the patient like they are a barely perceived object, "Hi, my name is ......." I saw her do this several times, and each time was the exact same deadpan delivery. She was like a Vulcan (Spock, Star Trek..for those who aren't nerds) on Prozac.

Seeing my doctor was quick. All he did was sign off on moving forward with surgery. I asked him if we could skip the gas for anesthesia, explaining that when I had surgery as a child, it caused unpleasant hallucinations along with a host of other subtle side effects that lasted for months afterwards. He assured me that I would be able to just use the IV drip.

Then I was sent over to the Surgery Counselor who basically just told me they would move forward with getting insurance approval for the surgery and would contact me with the surgery date after that had been done.

So now it's all about waiting for it to really happen.

In perfect isolation
Here behind my wall
Waiting for the worms to come
Waiting for the Worms - Pink Floyd

2005-08-25T04:30:00.000-07:00

I just realized I completely walked around talking about my Audiologist, the person who did the evaluation testing earlier this week. Since I will be at the mercy of this person for just about everything that has to do with the CI outside of the surgery itself, it's not an aspect of this journey that takes a back seat.

First of all, I had already heard second hand about her before meeting her. I have a friend of mine who was implanted with the Nucleus G3 last year. We met in College. He goes to the same Clinic I do and he now has the same Audiologist. However, he had a different audiologist, whom he liked quite a lot...a bit of a crush actually, who did the first year of mappings. Anyway, he did not have nice things to say about our shared Audiologist. He met with her for the first time when he had his annual mapping. The mapping felt rushed to him. He also kept talking about missing the other audiologist. So I had my suspicisions that it was more about prejudice, on more than one level.

The 2nd time he met with her, it was to take his dead G3 BTE Processor in (2nd occurence in 3 months time.) From that experience, he recommended I get assigned to someone else. Apparently, he felt insulted by her when she asked him if he had been using the moisture packs, as if she was insinuating he was the cause of the breakdown from lack of care. He says he babys his CI equipment. The way he told it, I could see the condescension, in his version of it anyway. So that did make me a bit apprehensive. I do not deal well with people who talk down to me and mappings require a strong communicative rapport for success. Of course, I gave her a chance though.

So I met with her for the first time on Monday. She seemed very understanding regarding the alarm clock incident. Her overall demeanor was pretty pleasant and we seemed to have no problems communicating. I guess I can't comment too much because most of that session was just testing, not so much talking. Next week, there will be more of the latter...so that will be a good test run.

But...there was one thing that did put up a little flag. Music....when I brought it up, all she said was that the CI doesn't really work that well with it. Technically, this is true. However, reality is there are many CI users who successfully enjoy music. Advanced Bionic's Hi Res strategy adds more sound resolution, making it possible to enjoy music by hearing more of the details that are otherwise not available under other strategies. The reason this is a little flag is that her attitude reflects that she may not be fully qualified to map Hi Res. I am told that this has been an issue with Hi-Res...most audiologists do not know how to get the most out of it. So, I am prepared to have Advanced Bionics send out one of their own to do the mapping when the time comes.

Audiologists focus on Speech discrimination as the goal, whether it is a hearing aid or CI. My whole life under hearing aids, I had to pretty much fight for Music. Some audiologists I had over the years would set my hearing aid in a way that just butchered music, made it unenjoyable. They would argue with me that they had it at optimimum settings based on my audiogram. I don't expect it to be any different this time around.

I think it's probably obvious at this point that I didn't just start this journey this week. I've been arming myself with information about these things since 2002. The above is a prime example of why. You can't go into this just trusting the "experts." You have to come prepared. If they had their way, the extent of what I know about CI's would be the promotional brochures from the Implant companies they handed to me when I first went to them about my fluctuating hearing. Those brochures are sales tools, not hard data. I want the real shit, not the fluff.

So next week, she is going to go over the CIs and show me both devices (Nucleus and Auria.) I told her that I had already decided to go with AB. She asked if I had gone over the material (sales brochures) and said that Cochlear's Freedom now puts both implants at about the same level. I didn't really take the time to explain to her I'm quite a bit past that point. I would have told her that I don't find incorporating the features found on Digital Hearing Aids for several years now as an example of cutting edge technology. Anyway, I do look forward to being able to view and handle the equipment in person.

So let's see if I come back from the appointment next week with scathing comments or high praise for her.

Well it's a dog eat dog, eat cat too
The French eat frog, and I eat you
Dog Eat Dog - AC / DC

2005-08-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don' t think it is possible to have anything go smoothly in my life. There is something that I call "The Force," no relation to the Star Wars mythos, that throws anything it can in my way when I least need it. Sometimes it goes quiet and then it rears it's head and gets busy. Bear with me.

Today was my CI evaluation appointment date. I've been waiting for two months now for this appointment as it is one of the crucial steps one must go through on the way to Implantation. The appointment was for 1 PM, so I set my vibrating alarm clock for 11:30 AM. Keep in mind, I work nights from 6:30 PM to 3 AM, so 1 PM is my AM. Well I woke up at 12:40 PM, 20 minutes until my appointment time, to my horror. The alarm clock never went off. I double checked it. Everything was set correctly. No setting it for PM instead of AM. The switches in the right place. The vibrator unit plugged in properly. I even checked it by changing the alarm time to the current time, which it then went off. So basically, there was absolutely no reason for the alarm to not have gone off. This is a prime example of "The Force" at work.

I called up the Institute to explain what happened and ask if they would still be able to see me if I got there within 45 minutes, they said they would. So off I went. At least "The Force" only took time for one deed today (so far, I still have to go to work.) Traffic was clear for me to get there in time, in Los Angeles, that is no small accomplishment...especially when you are heading downtown where the congestion is highest.

The testing itself was rather mundane. It is nothing more than the usual hearing tests you get anytime you see an audiologist. But, I did "pass." Passing means the tests show you can't hear for shit. The word discrimination tests were played on CD and all I could do was just sit there and listen to an indistinct voice over and over.

I did find that I'll need to have a Primary Care Physician give me a physical exam to clear me for surgery. They would also be the one to give me immunizations for Meningitis. I return to the Insitute next week to see my Doctor and go over everything. After this point, all that would be left would be insurance approval and passing the physical to be OK'd for surgery.

Hopefully "The Force" keeps it's work down to relatively mild pranks, there is too much at stake for that kind of bullshit.

And then one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun

Time - Pink Floyd

2005-08-21T04:17:00.000-07:00

Normally at this time, I’d be sitting here with my Sony MDR V600 Studio Edition headphones wrapped around my ears blasting away. I do mean blasting. These aren’t cheap headphones. They do not distort even if you turn the stereo amp all the way up, though I do not recommend this to anyone with normal hearing. They qualify as a pair of little high quality speakers you wrap around your head. At the volume I’d have to play them at to hear enough, it was easy for anyone in the room to hear them as if the TV were on at normal volume. That’s testament to their power and to how bad my hearing was.

Music has always been…everything. It’s been my friend, my hobby, my avenue of escape, my dreams, my therapy….my soul. I never cared for sports (though I have the body for it) and I was always a loner. When I first lost my hearing at 7 years old ( I was a very conscious child), I didn’t skip a beat, no idiotic pun intended. I just kept on listening even while it got more difficult. When I could no longer understand the lyrics just by listening, I read them. It took more work to listen and get it all. But it was still there and every bit as enjoyable. With amplification from my hearing aid, I was getting quite a bit of it. I took piano lessons in junior high and went on to the guitar in high school. I even wound up taking Music Theory successfully, proving myself to the Teacher who had his reservations about my ability or whether I was serious.

The possibility of my residual hearing going has always been there. If it happened before…. it could happen again. It decided to happen this year. During the first round back in 1980, it was quick..a matter of hours. This time around it was subtle..playing with me, going back and forth. Everything would sound as if I was listening under-water and then it would return to “normal.” At first I had guessed it was the hearing aid having issues. In fact, it turned out it did need repairs according to my audiologist, so my fears were put to rest, falsely. The under-water effect still occurred while using the loaner aid and it was getting worse and more frequent. Then very loud whining tinnitus, out of the norm from what I usually get as a dull hiss, began to occur along with the drops in hearing. Slowly, the reality that I was losing my hearing sank in.

So instead of sitting here listening to music, I’m writing. I haven’t been able to listen to music for about 2 months now. I have to fill the void somehow. I’ve spent much of this time researching Implantation and everything that goes with it. I’ve managed to find a wide variety of user testimonies. But to be honest, I haven’t been satisfied with what is available. Music in many cases, was alien or just something in the background for these people. There were music lovers, but none really went too in depth with what they were hearing and experiencing. I hope to bridge that gap here by sharing my own experience as I’m starting the journey myself…and yes, it is a journey. I’m not being melodramatic.

I’m impatient as I am apprehensive. There is a lot that can go wrong with this. There is a lot that can go right. I’m going with it though. I’m sitting here cut off from my music and even more so from the world. It’s worth taking that jump.

Hello? Is there anybody out there?
I’m alone, hanging by a thread
Hook Me Up – Bon Jovi (2003)